S01E02 - The Cap Table

No: 2 | Season: 1 Episode: 2 | Air Date: 13-Apr-14 | Ratings: 1.69

Sorry if I scared you. I know I have somewhat ghost-like features. My Uncle used to say, "You look like someone starved a virgin to death".

Dinesh, change the lighting to something erotic because it's about to get pretty fucking erotic in here.

License to kill-9. IB action-dot-erotica.

Gentlemen, I present to you, Mochachino. Not this guy... Mochachino.

I didn't even shake a women's hand until I was 17-years old.

No interest. I entice the flesh, I don't pay for it.

The idea that I have a boner and you have a boner and he has a boner and we're all sitting there with boners in our pants.

We're mostly working on a lossless compression algorithm.

I was not erect, I was, that, that was only being polite.

I'm paying you $200,000 for 5%, yet you're giving this man twice that for a futon and some sandwiches?

You smoke weed?

That's why he's a billionaire. He know's how and when to be an asshole.

Richard, if you're not an asshole, it creates this kind of asshole vacuum, and that void is filled by other assholes.

You need to completely change who you are, Richard. A complete teutonic shift has to happen.

You kind of have a like a king-ish feeling to you. You're like a Norse hero from Valhalla.

They actually tried to diagnose me with a wasting disease because of my slender frame.

I hate Richard Hendricks, that little Pied Piper prick.

Audious, play John Lennon's Imagine. (Computer voice: Queuing John Wayne in a mansion. Not found.)

While you were busy minoring in gender studies and singing a capella at Sarah Lawrence, I was gaining root access to NSA servers. I was one click away from starting a second Iranian revolution.

The Internet heard of it? Transfers half a petabyte of data every minute. Do you have any idea how that happens?

As far as Pied Piper is concerned, he's as pointless as Mass Effect 3's multiple endings.

Summary

After accepting an investment from Peter Gregory, Richard has to immediately deal with the demands of establishing the business. Luckily, the business-savvy Jared "Donald" Dunn had made a decision to leave Hooli and join Pied Piper. After evaluating Pied Piper's limited cash resources it becomes apparent that Big Head is not a good fit for the company. Richard initially refuses to cut Big Head, however Big Head is suddenly offered a huge raise and promotion at Hooli, where a team has begun to attempt a reverse-engineering of Pied Piper's compression algorithm.

Director and Writers

Director: Mike Judge
Written by: Carson Mell

Quotes

Jared: Hey! Sorry if I scared you, I know I have somewhat ghost-like features. My uncle used to say, "You look like someone starved a virgin to death."

Jared: Richard, I just wanna say, I really respect what you're doing here. And if you could ever use someone with my business development skill set, I would love to be a part of this.
Erlich: The fuck you will be. We'll call you when we want pleated khakis.

Erlich: Richard, if you're not an asshole, it creates this kind of asshole vacuum, and that void is filled by other assholes, like Jared. I mean, you almost gave him shares. You need to completely change who you are, Richard. A complete teutonic shift has to happen.
Richard: Tectonic.
Erlich: What?
Richard: A "tectonic" shift is the earth's crust moving around. "Teutonic", which is what you just said, is an ancient Germanic tribe that fought the Romans. They were originally from Scandinavia...
Erlich: Stop it! Stop it. You're being a complete tool right now. I need you to be a complete asshole.

Erlich: Let me explain something to you. Your whole life you've been an ugly chick but now suddenly you're a hot chick, with big tits and small nipples. So guys like that are gonna keep coming around. Don't be a slut, Richard.

Erlich: Dinesh, change the lighting to something erotic because it's about to get pretty fucking erotic in here.
Dinesh: (speaking into his phone) License to kill-9. IB action-dot-erotica.

Mochachino: Can somebody play something with a beat, please?
Big Head: (nervous) I'll go make a playlist. (leaves)

Richard: That was nice, guys. He heard everything.
Dinesh: That doesn't make it not true.
Gilfoyle: I mean, come on, Richard. As far as Pied Piper is concerned, he's as pointless as Mass Effect 3's multiple endings. I mean, he's a completely useless appendage and we all know it.

Gavin Belson: Audious, play John Lennon's Imagine.
Audious: (computer voice) Queuing John Wayne in a mansion.

Gilfoyle: I entice the flesh, I don't pay for it.

Gilfoyle: Who was this woman that you shook hands with for the first time?
Dinesh: The postman lady.
Gilfoyle: What? A woman that was a man?
Dinesh: Not a post-man lady. A lady who was a post...
Gilfoyle: Let me ask you another question. Who was the second woman you shook hands with?

Peter Gregory: Did you just take a sip from an empty cup?
Richard: Yes.
Peter Gregory: Why did you do that?
Richard: Just something to do.

Jared: (bows to Erlich) Um Good morning. Whoops, that was weird. I don't know why I did that. You kind of have a like a king-ish feeling to you. You're like a Norse hero from Valhalla.
Erlich: Don't pander to me. Peter Gregory said specifically to trim the fat.
Jared: They actually tried to diagnose me with a wasting disease because of my slender frame.

Gavin: Denpok, I know you were in Aspen, thank you for coming. Please, have a seat.
Denpok: I'm not sitting this summer.
Gavin: Of course.

Gavin: I hate Richard Hendricks, that little Pied Piper prick.

Gilfoyle: What do I do? System architecture. Networking and security. No one in this house can touch me on that.
Jared: Ok, that's good to know.
Gilfoyle: But does anyone appreciate that? While you were busy minoring in gender studies and singing a capella at Sarah Lawrence, I was gaining root access to NSA servers. I was one click away from starting a second Iranian revolution.
Jared: I actually went to Vassar.
Gilfoyle: I prevent cross-site scripting, I monitor for DDoS attacks, emergency database rollbacks, and faulty transaction handlings. The Internet heard of it? Transfers half a petabyte of data every minute. Do you have any idea how that happens? All those YouPorn ones and zeroes streaming directly to your shitty, little smart phone day after day? Every dipshit who shits his pants if he can't get the new dubstep Skrillex remix in under 12 seconds? It's not magic, it's talent and sweat. People like me, ensuring your packets get delivered, un-sniffed. So what do I do? I make sure that one bad config on one key component doesn't bankrupt the entire fucking company. That's what the fuck I do.
Richard: That's basically what I told him.

Jared: Peter Gregory demanded a lean, ruthless business plan. And I don't think that the CEO of Microsoft has a paid best friend.
Big Head: (laughs) Sergey Brin does. Larry doesn't do shit.

Music

"Special Education - feat. Janelle Monae" by Goodie Mob (Opening title music. Plays into the scene where Mochachino is performing for Big Head. )

"Party and Bullshit (Remix)" by Ratatat (End-credits music.)

Notes and Trivia

Referring to the episode title, a Cap Table (Capitalization Table) is a table that provides an analysis of the founders' and investors' percentage of ownership, equity dilution, and value of equity in each round of investment.

Zach Woods improvised the line "My uncle used to say, you look like someone starved a virgin to death."

When Richard is in his room googling "business plan" notice the photos on his wall. One is of David Huffman, a pioneer in data compression theory, and known for his Huffman coding. The woman's photo is that of Lena Soderberg, a "Playboy" model whose photo was historically used as a sample for JPEG compression testing.

Notice how Erlich is eating two pop tarts at once. According to the DVD commentary, T.J. Miller did this on purpose in an attempt to act quirky, however he was disappointed because it is hardly noticeable.

The sunrise scene where Richard and Big Head walk away from Mochachino's apartment was actually shot at sunset.

Goofs

None

Locations