S01E08 - Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency

No: 8 | Season: 1 Episode: 8 | Air Date: 1-Jun-14 | Ratings: 1.74

How fast do you think you could jack off every guy in this room? Because I know how long it would take me. And I can prove it.

We're trending up boys. We're trending up.

We're not here to tell you what to do with your rats, we're here to get your rats, STAT.

Look at them. All full of hope. Pricks.

You've heard the phrase time to pay the piper, right? What if there was an app called Pied Piper, that could tell you to statistical degree of certainty whether you were going to heaven or hell? Very interested, somewhat interested, not interested. Which one? Which one?

No! Those belong to an underage kid that I brought to my house.

How much would it be worth to you if I told you I had a GPS app called "Pied Piper", tracking the location of your child?

I can follow your child anywhere and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Most missing children are never found.

I was just happy you got punched in the face, Erlich, but now I'm super happy.

We're gonna win even if I have to go into the auditorium and personally jerk off every guy in the audience.

How would he do four guys? He's got two hands, so that's two dicks at a time, right?

The measurement that we're looking for, really, is dick to floor. Call that D2F.

Does girth-similarity affect Erlich's ability to jerk different dicks simultaneously?

Time to orgasm, or T2O, has to be the same for each matching pair of dicks otherwise I'm wasting a lot of great strokes on a guy that's already busted.

Unless you can hotswap dicks in and out. So on a downstroke, you get a new one in. So when you stroke up you're not wasting any energy.

Or Chat Roulette. Okay, that was social media, and then they pivoted to become a playground for the sexually monstrous.

We need to do what any animal in nature does when it's cornered, act erratically, and blindly lash out at everything around us.

Summary

The TechCrunch organizers accept some responsibility for the brawl and decide to send Pied Piper straight through to the final Battlefield stage. However, the Pied Piper team is disappointed after seeing that the Nucleus team has developed an app with a "Weissman" compression score of 2.89, which is a similar score than their own. Dejected, the team heads back to their hotel room, where they randomly begin to mock up a mathematical model for Erlich to give handjobs to every male in the audience. After Richard takes in the beginning of the discussion, he seems to reach an epiphany and retreats into his room to begin coding. By the next morning Richard has completely rewritten parts of the Pied Piper app, however the rest of the team is completely unaware of what he has done. Richard does the presentation, slowly revealing that he has developed a new method of compression, named "middle-out", and demonstrates that he has achieved an astronomical Weissman score of 5.2. Pied Piper wins the Battlefield, and an embarrassed Gavin Belson walks away quietly.

Director and Writers

Director: Mike Judge
Written by: Alec Berg

Quotes

Gilfoyle: Every day it feels like I've died and gone to hell.
Booth Worker: Oh?
Dinesh: He's a Satanist. It's a good thing.

Jared: Hi! I'd like to talk to you about a company called Pied Piper. What does it do? Good question. Maybe you can help us find an answer. What if Pied Piper was an app that could attract rodents? You know, like the fairy tale? For purposes of extermination or to feed your pet snake. We're not here to tell you what to do with your rats, we're here to get your rats, STAT. Would you be very interested, somewhat interested or not interested? Which one? Which one? Which one?

(After Erlich negotiated to get a suite after being assaulted)
Dinesh: I was just happy you got punched in the face, Erlich, but now I'm super happy.

(Speaking to a reporter)
Erlich: Let me ask you something. How fast do you think you could jack off every guy in this room? Because I know how long it would take me. And I can prove it.

Erlich: Yeah, we're gonna win even if I have to go into the auditorium and personally jerk off every guy in the audience.
Jared: That's a lot of jerking.
Gilfoyle: And we only have ten minutes to present.
Richard: So, we're fucked, aren't we?
Dinesh: Yeah, even if he's jerking two at a time, there are, what, 800 guys in that room? So that's 400 times whatever the mean jerk-time is.
Jared: The what?
Dinesh: Mean jerk-time. I mean, it doesn't matter, but, hypothetically, time is equal to 400 total jerks at a two-dick rate.
Gilfoyle: Unless Erlich jerks off four guys at a time, and then we can cut that in half.
Dinesh: How would he do four guys? He's got two hands, so that's two dicks at a time, right?
Gilfoyle: Look, you have two guys on either side with their dicks, tip to tip, so you're going full-length. Four, see?
Jared: Oh... from the middle out. That does make sense.

Richard: I'm such an idiot. Middle out! Middle out! Middle out! Oh, my God. How could I?
(Rushes into the bedroom)
Jared: Uh Guys, does girth-similarity affect Erlich's ability to jerk different dicks simultaneously?
Erlich: Shit. Yeah, I think it would.

Richard: Last night I was watching my friends here have this argument. About, you know, manipulating data And, you know, how many datas could one guy manipulate at once and, uh And I was just I was thinking. Maybe it could be another way, you know? Something that I would call, "middle out".

Erlich: We need to do what any animal in nature does when it's cornered, act erratically, and blindly lash out at everything around us.

Gavin: Anyone who tells you their platform is faster than ours better have good lawyers.

Police Officer: You have any weapons or drugs on your person at this time?
Jared: Why yes. Yes I do. (Hands Adderall bottle to officer)
Police Officer: Adderall. This is a highly controlled substance. Are these yours?
Jared: No! Those belong to an underage kid that I brought to my house.

Jared: I'll admit I'm sleep challenged. I just spent 4 days trapped in a steel box out in an oil rig full of robot forklifts. But now I'm back, and I am recovering, and I am focused, and we're going to pivot. Don't lose faith guys. Look at me, look at me. We've got a great name, we've got a great team, we've got a great logo, and we've got a great name. And now we just need an idea. Let's pivot. Let's pivot.
Dinesh: That might be the last time we see him alive.

Jared: How much would it be worth to you if I told you I had a GPS app called "Pied Piper", tracking the location of your child? I can follow your child anywhere and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Most missing children are never found. Interested, very interested, or very interested?

Monica: People may take credit for your idea and try and sue you. How awesome is that?
Richard: Uh... yeah, that's awesome.

Music

"Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira and Wyclef Jean (Opening title music.)

"Minority" by Green Day (End-credits music.)

Notes and Trivia

This episode was dedicated to the memory of Christopher Evan Welch.

Shakira doesn't actually appear in the episode, just her song.

At TechCrunch, Gavin Belson demonstrated the Nucleus compression with the same photo of "Playboy" model Lena Soderberg that was on Richard's wall.

When Gilfoyle and Dinesh are saying they're "not dickheads", Martin Starr improvved the line "my dick and my head are totally separate".

The Weissman Score is a fictional performance score for lossless data compression. It was invented by Tsachy Weissman and Vinith Misra at Stanford University specifically for use in the Silicon Valley series.

The concept of "Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency" was actually written up as a 12-page paper that became the foundation for the dialogue the guys deliver during the hotel room scene. Following the episode, the paper was put online to prove its plausibility.

There was a scene written for the very end of this episode where Peter Gregory and Gavin Belson have a conversation, but it couldn't be filmed because of Christopher Evan Welch's untimely death.

In the 66th Primetime Emmy Awards (2014), Silicon Valley was nominated for "Outstanding Comedy Series", "Outstanding Art Direction for a Contemporary Program (Half-Hour or Less)" and "Outstanding Main Title Design". It did not win any of the awards.

In the 66th Primetime Emmy Awards (2014) Alec Berg was nominated for "Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series" for the episode "Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency".

In the 72rd Golden Globe Awards (2015), SIlicon Valley was nomimated for "Best Television Series

Goofs

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