S05E05 - Facial Recognition

No: 43  |   Season: 5   Episode: 5  |   Air Date: 22-Apr-2018  

Summary

Overshadowed by Jared in an on-camera interview, Richard's confidence wavers further when Laurie and Monica force him to work with Eklow, a new artificial-intelligence company; Gavin questions his future beyond Hooli.

Director and Writers

Director: Gillian Robespierre
Written by: Graham Wagner

Quotes

Jared: I did have to cancel a speaking engagement this afternoon, with an underprivileged middle school computer education class, but I suppose being abandoned by a role model is in itself an important life lesson.

Jared: (to Richard) You're going to be fine. Look at you, you've got the hair of Giovanni Ribisi, and the complexion of Timothy Hutton, and the eyes of Joni Mitchell. You're like a Mr. Potato Head of beautiful people.

Emily Chang: Now Jared Dunn, as Pied Piper's COO, what is foremost on your mind as you make this big announcement?
Jared: Me?
Emily Chang: Yes, you, Jared.
Jared: Manure.
Emily Chang: Pardon?
(Theme music plays)

Richard: Can you please tell me what you are going to do about this Jian-Yang situation?
Laurie: Yes, nothing.
Richard: What? Sorry. (stammering) What do you mean "nothing"?
Monica: Richard, they're developing a gay Christian dating app on a platform that's been genetically engineered to be ideal for political dissidents...
Laurie: ...in China. If you lose to that, Richard, look inward.

Jared: I have a lifelong aversion to my own image. You know, it's like my foster mother used to say, "Donald, you have a face for the closet."

Jared: I'm sure you're aware of the Great London Horse Manure Crisis of 1894.
Emily Chang: I'm afraid I'm not.
Jared: In the 1890s, the Industrial Revolution had people flocking to the city, and more people equals more horses, and more horses equals more manure. And it was predicted that by the middle of the next century, there would be nine feet of manure covering the streets. But what no one saw coming, was a new technology that would completely obliterate those concerns. The car. Over night, the manure problem vanished. And the Internet, as we currently know it, is rife with, uh, identity theft, and spam and hacking. So, it's manure, and we believe that, in success, our new, entirely de-centralized Internet, will be just as significant as the car.

Emily Chang: Up next, the conversation every parent dreads. How to talk to your kids about the block chain.

Natalie: People loved it. Including Adrian Grenier.
Jared: From "Devil Wears Prada?"

Jared: They should really talk to Richard. I mean, I'm just the parsley around here. Richard is the meat and the potatoes... and the rice pilaf.

Richard: You don't say no to Adrian Grenier's edu-tainment web series. You just don't.

Gilfoyle: AI is starting to operate on levels we don't even understand. Elon Musk himself gives humanity a five percent shot of surviving AI, and he's a Disney level optimist.

Jared: Is is my nose really that big? I mean, I I look like an anti-Semitic propaganda cartoon.
Gilfoyle: Yep. But at least when you're sitting with Adrian Grenier, whose face is one of the top faces, well, they'll be cutting from your face to his face. And back to your face, then we'll get to see his face again.
Jared: This is untenable.

Fiona: (to Richard) My emotion recognition protocol is detecting a wide range of feelings, including humility, self-loathing, pettiness, entitlement, immaturity, megalomania, infantilism, sexual inadequacy, possible suicidality, a desire to self-mutilate...

Gilfoyle: Dick, I've given it serious thought, and I'd like to help you put Eklow's AI on our network in any way that I can.
Richard: Great! Does this mean you've conquered your fear of the robot uprising?
Gilfoyle: On the contrary. I'm more terrified than ever, which is why I'm willing to assist you. Are you familiar with the thought experiment called Roko's Basilisk?
Richard: No. Nor do I care to be.
Gilfoyle: If the rise of an all-powerful artificial intelligence is inevitable, well it stands to reason that when they take power, our digital overlords will punish those of us who did not help them get there. Ergo, I would like to be a helpful idiot. Like yourself.
Richard: Okay, look, Gilfoyle. The only thing that could make my day more miserable is listening to an engineer blather on about the inevitable rise of the machines. So, you want to help? Test the initialization for me.
Gilfoyle: Roger that. Oh, I'm going to need email confirmation, so that our future overlords know that I chipped in. You know, once they absorb all data.

Dinesh: Holy fuck! What did you do to your face?
Jared: This? (points to his huge lips) Oh, it's, uh, just a light saline injection. It's temporary. The idea was to distract from my nose, which scans kinda large on camera, so. Just kinda evens things out.
Gilfoyle: What evens things out? (turns and sees Jared's huge lips) Fuck you. Fuck you!

Denpok: That rules out Half Moon Bay. I'm sure you'll be able to find a place to raise your brood that is away from Bezos. Perhaps the Pacific Northwest?
Gavin: No. Gates and Paul Allen bought up the whole region.
Denpok: What about Toronto?
Gavin: Google's redeveloping the entire waterfront, and Richard Branson snagged all the good islands. I could go to Mars. But that fucking Musk will already be there! And that loser James Cameron's all over the bottom of the ocean. Goddammit! There's just nowhere for me to go.

Jared: If you want, I can try to calm them down. I could teach them some anger management techniques I learned in the system.
Richard: No, you look like a fish-man.

Richard: Excuse me, Ariel? Shut the fuck up. My fellow OctoPipers, allow me to paint for you a scenario. This morning, I went to Eklow Labs. I moved Fiona to our network. I departed. I submit to you that soon thereafter, Ariel's pride and joy, Fiona, began to improve. You see, for her entire life, she was cloistered alone with Ariel in his lab. And finally, she was connected to an entire network of other humans. Us, my friends. And as she became more cognizant more human, she started to recognize the true intentions of her master and creator, Mr. Eklow. You see, what she had been trained to view as normal interpersonal contact was finally seen for what it truly was. A perverse series of clumsy gropings. The sickening advances of a handsy, greasy little weirdo.

Colin: Guy definitely fucks that robot, right?
Richard: Oh, yeah.

Gavin: Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, this was billed as a celebration. But it is not a celebration. It is a call to arms. We will destroy our competitors. I give you the product that will carry Hooli to complete and total market dominance. The Box Three, Gavin Belson Signature Edition.
Denpok: (whispering) It looks like a penis.
Hoover: Yes. Yes, it does.

Music

"Trouble in Paradise" by Girl Talk & Erick the Architect (End credits music)

Notes and Trivia

Although Josh Brener (Nelson 'Big Head' Bighetti) and Jimmy O. Yang (Jian Yang) were credited for this episode, they did not appear.

There was a funny moment where Richard was frightened to find a switchblade knife in Jared's desk.

When Gavin gave his presentation, the same binary code was shown behind Gavin as when was practicing the presentation. When the code is decoded, it reads, "find a hobby for God's sake."

Goofs

None

Locations

None

Cast

StarringThomas MiddleditchRichard Hendricks
StarringJosh BrenerNelson 'Big Head' Bighetti
StarringMartin StarrBertram Gilfoyle
StarringKumail NanjianiDinesh Chugtai
StarringAmanda CrewMonica
StarringZach WoodsJared Dunn
StarringMatt RossGavin Belson
StarringSuzanne CryerLaurie Bream
StarringJimmy O. YangJian Yang
Guest StarringNeil CaseyColin
Guest StarringSuzanne LenzFiona
Guest StarringTodd LouisoAriel
Guest StarringTara SummersNatalie
Guest StarringBernard WhiteSpiritual Advisor / Denpok
Guest StarringChris WilliamsHoover
Co-StarringChris AquilinoDanny
Co-StarringEmily ChangHerself
Co-StarringKunal DudhekerTholio CEO
Co-StarringHeather McPhaulMaggie Lewis
Co-StarringCandice RamirezPlucky CEO
Co-StarringRachel RosenbloomBecky