S03E07 - To Build a Better Beta

No: 25  |  Season: 3   Episode: 7  |  Air Date: 5-Jun-16  |  Ratings: 1.70


After the "Hawaiian" launch party, Bachmanity is shuttered when they are unable to pay their creditors. With Bighead moving out of his mansion, with only two cannonballs to his name, a wise Jared discovers that their business manager was embezzling from them. When initial reviews of the Pied Piper application are positive, Richard agrees to begin beta testing. As the guys hand out beta test invites to their friends, Dinesh struggles to find ten friends in which to offer his invites. Meanwhile, Gavin Belson surreptitiously obtains an invite to the beta test, but when the guys find out, Gilfoyle remotely kills his laptop and his Hooli phone, and causes the entire Hooli headquarters to black out. As a result of Gavin's ranting, most of the Hooli engineers quit, leaving Gavin with a huge dilemma. Everybody except Monica considers the Pied Piper beta test to be a success, and despite Monica's misgivings, Richard decides to take Pied Piper live. Finally, when Dinesh and Bighead meet with the D.A. over their legal options to recover their money, the D.A. informs Erlich he will have to pay his creditors first. Afterward, Erlich met with Laurie Bream for a business transaction, and then the creditors were somehow paid.

Director and Writers

Director: Jamie Babbit
Written by: John Levenstein


Jared: Reid Hoffman says if your not mortally embarrassed by the quality of your initial release, you released too late.
Richard: Okay, we already are mortally embarrassed.

Erlich: Wait, that can't be right. How can Bachmanity still be so far in the hole? Look at all this shit that Big Head is selling.
Arthur: He was renting virtually everything in the house.
Erlich: He rented that cannon?
Arthur: It was for display purposes only. So you forfeit your deposit.
Erlich: It's a cannon. What's he supposed to do, not fire it?

Erlich: Shuttering a company in the tech world is almost a rite of passage, like herpes simplex one. At first, it's ugly and embarrassing and you're disgusted by your own dick. But after a while, in the larger scheme of things, you realize it's really...

Big Head: Hey, good news. They said we can each keep one of the cannonballs, so not a total loss, right?

Gilfoyle: I don't trust anyone. It's a huge part of my belief system.

Jared: Whoever did your accounting earmarked almost 70 percent of Big Head's settlement money for taxes.
Erlich: Seventy percent? Even in Taxo-Alto, which I coined, would be half that.

Arthur: You're accusing me of impropriety? You, the man who spent $20,000 renting giant fiberglass tiki heads, and $40,000 more when one of them was misplaced on the way back to the rental house?
Erlich: I told you it wasn't misplaced. I know exactly where it is. It's at the bottom of the bay.

Arthur: Nelson, come on. You can't possibly believe this.
Big Head: Sorry.
Erlich: Don't apologize to him.
Big Head: Oh, right. Sorry.
Erlich: Thank you.

Erlich: You are going to go in your little fucking piggy bank right now and pay back every fucking kopeck that you stole from Big Head, and if you don't, we're gonna take our little show on the road, perhaps perform it for a man named the D.A.

Gavin: Acting on this would expose the fact that we're reading employees' private emails, destroying the spirit of trust and freedom to innovate that I've worked so hard to build here at Hooli. You know, it makes you wonder if the word Hooli has any meaning for these people whatsoever.

Jared: I don't want to count our chickens before they hatch. I mean, three percent of hatchlings are born mutated or dead, but we may have a healthy brood on our hands!

D.A.: I'm sorry to say this is not an uncommon occurrence.
Big Head: Wait, it's not an uncommon...? So then it... Okay, got it.

D.A.: Have either of you been on a jury?
Erlich: No, of course not. I always get out of it. The fines are very reasonable.
Big Head: You don't just throw those things away?

Erlich: It's not lost. I know exactly where it is. It's in the bay. And if your Coast Guard would be a little more helpful, we probably could have dragged it out of there by now.

Jared: Well, people do create imaginary friends to meet their emotional needs. When I was little, I used to pretend that I shared a room with Harriet Tubman and we were always planning our big escape.

Gavin: In case you didn't know, here at Hooli, we make the impossible possible.

Gilfoyle: Why would Dinesh lie about having friends? Why would Tara lie to me about fucking other guys when we have a totally open and hedonistic relationship that allows for behavior like that? Because people like to lie, Richard. It's a war of all against all. The history of humanity is a book written in blood. We're all just animals in a pit.
Jared: I feel very sad.
Dinesh: Fucking Gilfoyle.

Naveen: I invited you to my wedding, Gavin.
Gavin: Why?

Jian-Yang: (phone message) Eric Bachman, is your refrigerator running? This is Mike Hunt.

(As the guys are leaving the Raviga office)
Erlich: Gentlemen, I just realized I've forgotten to take a shit. So ah, see you back at the old homestead.

Jared: (to Dinesh and Gilfoyle) Can't you two see, you're each other's best friends.
Dinesh and Gilfoyle: FUCK YOU JARED!
Jared: Jinx! You owe each other a friendship!

(Erlich's phone rings)
Jian-Yang: Eric Bachman, this is your mom, and you, you are not my baby.
Erlich: (yelling) Not now Jian-Yang, not now! Go back to your room!


"Stretch Your Face" by Tobacco (Opening title music)

"Raw" by San Holo (End credits music)

Notes and Trivia

In the scene where Gavin (Matt Ross) says "Cut the power to the building" the second time, notice how he sprays spit on Jason (Brian Tichnell). Also, notice Jason's reaction.

In the scene where Gilfoyle is video chatting with Tara, there is a "Vansterdam" poster on the wall behind his workstation. Vansterdam is a nickname for Vancouver, Canada, which is known for its loose marijuana laws.






StarringThomas MiddleditchRichard Hendricks
StarringT.J. MillerErlich Bachman
StarringJosh BrenerNelson 'Big Head' Bighetti
StarringMartin StarrBertram Gilfoyle
StarringKumail NanjianiDinesh Chugtai
StarringAmanda CrewMonica Hall
StarringZach WoodsJared Dunn
StarringMatt RossGavin Belson
StarringSuzanne CryerLaurie Bream
StarringJimmy O. YangJian Yang
Guest StarringAly MawjiNaveen
Guest StarringBrian TichnellJason
Guest StarringIan AldaMarc
Guest StarringAnjali BhimaniD.A.
Guest StarringKen LernerArthur
Guest StarringAnnie SertichC.J. Cantwell
Guest StarringMilana VayntrubTara
Guest StarringChris WilliamsHoover
Co-StarringDustyn GulledgeEvan
Co-StarringArthur KengAlan
Co-StarringCasey O'FarrellPete
Co-StarringJustin UretzKevin