S05E01 - Grow Fast or Die Slow

No: 39  |  Season: 5   Episode: 1  |  Air Date: 25-Mar-2018  |  Ratings: 0.70


Now that Pied Piper has ample funding and new offices, the pressure to get things right stymies Richard and forces him to grow the company in a way he hadn't planned. A picky Dinesh and Gilfoyle question their ability to make good decisions. After returning to Hooli, Gavin worries about becoming antiquated.

Director and Writers

Director: Mike Judge
Written by: Ron Weiner


Jared: Oh! I am a sucker for an intuitive kitchen layout.

Gilfoyle: (to Richard) It's hard to believe your pathological inability to make a decision finally paid off.

Richard: I welcome you to Pied Piper's new home. Hoo-hoo-hoo!
Jared: It's it's very white.
Richard: Yeah, it's minimalist, you know? Sharp, clean lines.

Dinesh: Are you fucking kidding me, dude? You want us to work in here? This is a fucking black site, Richard!
Gilfoyle: A black site would actually be better, because at least we'd be protected by the Geneva Convention.

Richard: (whispering) If if we spend all that money, it's gone. Okay, don't you remember Jack Barker squandering all our runway for those fancy offices or Russ Hanneman spending nearly every cent we had on fucking swag? I'm sorry, man, we do not get another chance. This is it.
Gilfoyle: There is no point whispering. We can hear every fucking word you say in this sweatbox.
Dinesh: I can hear you gulping, Richard.

Richard: Okay, what about this guy, Chris Berger? He's a very skilled engineer. He was very funny when we met with him. I think he'd be great.
Dinesh: He was oddly tall, don't you think?
Gilfoyle: Yeah, pass.
Richard: Alright, what about Blake Kang?
Dinesh: His beard hair looked like head hair.
Gilfoyle: And his head hair looked like beard hair.

Richard: I'm going to be seeing Laurie Bream at this stupid Innovation Hall of Fame event tonight, and she's gonna ask how hiring is going. She's 11 months pregnant and highly irritable. What am I going to tell her?

Dinesh: He sent in a professional headshot. We had no choice. Plus his face looks like a taint.

Richard: I sent you 63 good people. I spared you kilt guy, openly alt-right guy, obviously closeted alt-right guy, and the guy with the stupid fucking pizza app. It was so lame, it would somehow make you hate pizza.

Gilfoyle: They have to meet our rigorous standards. I mean, look at the three we've already hired. Just look at them.
Dinesh: There they are. Stallions.
Gilfoyle: Each one more magnificent than the last.
Dinesh: Perfect.

Jared: Alright, Richard, your tuxedo is pressed and ready for the gala. I put a touch of mint in the steamer. You're gonna look like Richard Gere from "Pretty Woman." Maybe tonight you'll fall for a radiant sex worker.

Gavin: During my sabbatical from Hooli, I toured the wonders of the world, seeking inspiration from mankind's greatest achievements. The Parthenon, Angkor Wat, the Great Pyramid of Giza. But it wasn't until my flight home that I had my epiphany. Yes, those wonders are visited by thousands of people every year, but 2.4 million people visit HooliSearch every minute.
Richard: (whispering) God, what a fucking douchebag.
Gavin: And then it occurred to me. What I have built is a far greater achievement, than any of the ancient world. And the ideal version of myself, was the man I already was.

Gavin: You know, I'm glad I ran into you, Richard. I was actually starting to feel bad about what I did today.
Richard: Oh? And what was that? Invent the MOSFET transistor? (chuckles) It's old technology. It's very old, like you.

Dinesh: I don't want to point fingers, but we wouldn't be here if you hadn't let Gilfoyle and me waste so much time being picky.
Richard: What? I was dying to move faster. I was just respecting your process.
Gilfoyle: Our process sucks. Your inability to stop us from sucking is a failure of leadership.

Richard: Jared, um call alt-right guy and cologne boy and all the other rejects, and set meetings.
Jared: Well, I did a little digging on the alt-right guy, and he's pretty involved in a campaign to eliminate black emojis.

Kira: We're like family, and you only wanna bring along twelve? I have to do what's right by my guys.
Jared: Look, I know what it's like to only be able to rescue half your family... and it's awful, but what can you do?

Jian-Yang: I hate Errich.
Dinesh: We are not Erlich.
Jian-Yang: You are from Errich's administration.

Ron LaFlamme: So, Mr. Yang
Jian-Yang: It's Mr. Jian. In China, last name comes first.
Ron LaFlamme: Okay. Mr. Jian, you say that Erlich Bachman wrote this letter - to you?
Jian-Yang: Yes.
Ron LaFlamme: (reading letter) "This is Erlich. Hello. I am gone, but Jian-Yang is a very good friend and very smart. I want him to be the leader of the house and control all of the friends. Goodbye. Bachman Erlich."
Jian-Yang: Yes. I want his house. Thank you.

Ron LaFlamme: It's promising tech. One day it could be worth a shit-ton.
Jian-Yang: Shit-ton. Yes.

Richard: Our deal with Kira is for 30 fucking coders. Where in the hell are we gonna put them?
Jared: Well, I suppose we could put three more workstations here, and then two more over there. It'd be crowded but cozy. They'll be all holed up together like the Branch Davidians.

Ron LaFlamme: Um, Richie, you know a guy named "Jee-Ann"?
Richard: Jan? Uh, no. Well, I know a "Jan the Man," but she's a woman.

Gavin: Patrice, I'd like to welcome you back to the Hooli family.
Patrice: It's wonderful to be back, Gavin.
Gavin: Sadly, the timing couldn't be worse. Those code-monkeys I just hired were right about one thing: Making Jack's box the flagship product of this company will send us down a path to technological irrelevance from which we will never return. But in light of the time and resources we've invested in this product, convincing the board and our shareholders to simply scrap it will be nearly impossible. Our company is too big to turn around that quickly.
Scott: Gavin, what if you launched a new product to help us correct course?
Executive: Absolutely. Look at all the products you've brought to market over the years.
Gavin: Hmm. True. I did invent the HooliPod and the HooliPad and the HooliPad Pro, but a man only has so many game-changing inventions in him.
Patrice: And technically, all the products he just named were money-losers. I mean, you could argue we'd have been better off if he'd never invented any of that stuff.
Gavin: Hoover.
Hoover: Sir.
Gavin: (whispers to Hoover)
Hoover: Patrice, can I talk to you outside for a second?
Gavin: Anyway, if Jack Barker's insidious box is allowed to go to market, we may all lose our jobs. We may all go the way of Patrice. But we must fight it.

Jian-Yang: I need to prove Errich's dead, so I want to ship a dead body from China, but it's hard to find a white body in China, especially fat like Errich, so I buy a fat, white cadaver from Cincinnati medical school. But to ship to China, then switch box, then ship back, it's way too much money.
Gilfoyle: Say that again.
Dinesh: Like, not one word of that made sense.

Monica: You spent $19,000 on pizza?
Richard: No, $19,000 on vengeance.

Laurie: Sorry I am late.
Richard: Hey, Laurie. Did you, uh...
Laurie: Induce? Yes, this morning and here I am.


"Monkey" by The Fabulous Thunderbirds (End credits music)

Notes and Trivia

In the opening title sequence, note that the letters in the Facebook logo change to Cyrillic script.

This is the first episode without T.J. Miller (Erlich Bachman).

Although Josh Brener (Nelson 'Big Head' Bighetti) is credited for this episode, he did not appear.

Carson Mell, who co-stars as a newly hired Hooli coder, is also credited as a "Consulting Producer" for this episode, and as part of the writing staff of previous episodes.




The exterior and interior scenes of Pied Piper's first option for office space was filmed at Hopscotch Corporate Headquarters, 2150 Park Place, El Segundo, CA. (Google)

The building that represents the outside of the Season 5 Pied Piper offices is located at 844 E Green Street, Pasadena, CA. (Google)

The outside shot of Philz Coffee was taken at the 101 Forest Avenue, Palo Alto, CA, location. (Google)


StarringThomas MiddleditchRichard Hendricks
StarringJosh BrenerNelson 'Big Head' Bighetti
StarringMartin StarrBertram Gilfoyle
StarringKumail NanjianiDinesh Chugtai
StarringAmanda CrewMonica
StarringZach WoodsJared Dunn
StarringMatt RossGavin Belson
StarringSuzanne CryerLaurie Bream
StarringJimmy O. YangJian Yang
Guest StarringJill AlexanderPatrice
Guest StarringScott PendergastScott
Guest StarringRogelio RamosExecutive
Guest StarringBen FeldmanRon LaFlamme
Guest StarringAndrew LeedsDunken
Guest StarringChloe WepperKira Pikford
Guest StarringChris WilliamsHoover
Co-starringChris AquilinoDanny
Co-starringKaterina BaruffiCoder #1
Co-starringCarson MellCoder #3
Co-starringRachel RosenbloomBecky
Co-starringMao SunCoder #2
Co-starringArmen WeitzmanStallion #2 / Jeff Washburn