S05E01 - Grow Fast or Die Slow

Oh! I am a sucker for an intuitive kitchen layout.

I welcome you to Pied Piper's new home.

Are you fucking kidding me, dude? You want us to work in here? This is a fucking black site, Richard!

A black site would actually be better, because at least we'd be protected by the Geneva Convention.

He sent in a professional headshot. We had no choice. Plus his face looks like a taint.

Dinesh: There they are. Stallions. Gilfoyle: Each one more magnificent than the last. Dinesh: Perfect.

Alright, Richard, your tuxedo is pressed and ready for the gala. I put a touch of mint in the steamer. You're gonna look like Richard Gere from "Pretty Woman." Maybe tonight you'll fall for a radiant sex worker.

During my sabbatical from Hooli, I toured the wonders of the world, seeking inspiration from mankind's greatest achievements. The Parthenon, Angkor Wat, the Great Pyramid of Giza. But it wasn't until my flight home that I had my epiphany. Yes, those wonders are visited by thousands of people every year, but 2.4 million people visit HooliSearch every minute.

Oh? And what was that? Invent the MOSFET transistor? (chuckles) It's old technology. It's very old, like you.

Well, now that they're unavailable, their strengths are more readily apparent. And I don't want to point fingers, but we wouldn't be here if you hadn't let Gilfoyle and me waste so much time being picky.

Our process sucks. Your inability to stop us from sucking is a failure of leadership.

I did a little digging on the alt-right guy, and he's pretty involved in a campaign to eliminate black emojis.

Look, I know what it's like to only be able to rescue half your family, and it's awful, but what can you do?

Um, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but this is boring.

Hooli is the future, and your future is the Box Two.

They sent over the official inductees portrait. You and your peers. Handsome bunch.

This is Erlich. Hello. I am gone, but Jian-Yang is a very good friend and very smart. I want him to be the leader of the house and control all of the friends. Goodbye. Bachman Erlich.

Shit-ton. Yes.

I suppose we could put three more workstations here, and then two more over there. It'd be crowded but cozy. They'll be all holed up together like the Branch Davidians.

Jan? Uh, no. Well, I know a "Jan the Man," but she's a woman.

I'm taking these! I'm taking all of them.

Technically, all the products he just named were money-losers. I mean, you could argue we'd have been better off if he'd never invented any of that stuff.

I guess that's Domino's. We never had pizza because my step-mom said Italians aren't real white people.

I need to prove Errich's dead, so I want to ship a dead body from China, but it's hard to find a white body in China, especially fat like Errich, so I buy a fat, white cadaver from Cincinnati medical school. But to ship to China, then switch box, then ship back, it's way too much money.

I may not have that many coders, but the ones I do are stallions, each one more magnificent than the last.

Um, Richard, I know I know money's tight, but I think I might invest in a modesty panel for your desk.