S05E03 - Chief Operating Officer

No: 41  |  Season: 5   Episode: 3  |  Air Date: 8-Apr-2018  |  Ratings: 0.62


Encouraged by Jared to strike up a friendship with Dana, a like-minded CEO, Richard instead finds himself charmed by Dana's COO, who challenges his loyalty to Gilfoyle. Facing limited housing options thanks to his impulse purchase, Dinesh searches for a new roommate.

Director and Writers

Director: Jamie Babbit
Written by: Carrie Kemper


Richard: Wait a second. So, the guy who just kicked me out of my house now owns 10% of my company?
Ron LaFlamme: Technically, he kicked you out of his house, and he inherited all of Mr. Bachman's assets including his 10% of Pied Piper.

Ron LaFlamme: So what's your real beef here then, huh, Richie? You got something against him? You don't have, like, a bias against Asians, do you?
Jared: Richard?
Richard: No, I don't. No, I just don't like being kicked out of my house.
Ron LaFlamme: By a...?
Richard: N-Nothing. By no one! By any race!
Ron LaFlamme: Yeah, I'm hearing something different.

Jared: Dana and I kept finding ourselves on the same bathroom schedule back at Hooli. You know, men and their cycles.

Gilfoyle: (to Dinesh) I can comfortably afford my new one-bedroom apartment. You and I make the same amount of money. I'm just wondering, what is the difference? Could it be that I didn't spend all my money on an absurdly over-priced electric car?

Richard: What the fuck was that?
Gilfoyle: Uh, that's the song "You Suffer" by Napalm Death.
Richard: Oh, yeah? That's that's a whole song? That's like a second.
Gilfoyle: It's an alert. Whenever the price of Bitcoin dips below a certain value, it's no longer efficient to mine. When it comes back up, it is. So, I need to know when it breaks that threshold, so that I can remotely toggle my rig at home.
Richard: Okay. Any idea how often that might happen?
Gilfoyle: Bitcoin is very volatile. So... (LOUD ROAR)

Dinesh: How's it going? Man, these Bay Area rents, huh? High AF. How's a guy supposed to live by himself, or lady, by herself? Especially on an everyman coder's salary, you feel me?
Danny: Are you offering us a cost of living raise?
Dinesh: Nope! Not at all. Even better. If one of you dudes is strapped for cash, do you a solid. Move in, split the rent "fiddy-fiddy", or "forty-siddy" depending on square footage of bedrooms? Come on! Think about it!

Jared: You're just standing there. Like a cool cowboy.
Richard: Hey, yeah. I-I really like your place.
Dana: Yeah, me too.
Jared: Well, he liked it, so he bought it. Just like you and that hoodie.

Jared: So, Dana, interesting story. Uh, the reason Richard has this bandage on his neck, and that he's got one on his hand, is because he got so exhausted during a code sprint, that he walked through a plate-glass window. Now, I-I read on Pando that you got injured also early on at your company? You should tell Richard that story. Right? Interesting topic between CEOs.
Richard: If you want. I mean, you don't have to.
Jared: Alright, I'm gonna go mingle. (leaves)
Richard: So, how did you hurt yourself?
Dana: I tried to commit suicide.

Jeff: You like vodka? Let's have a vodka.
Dinesh: Yeah! Let's do vodka. Okay! Yeah.
(Jeff pours the vodka)
Dinesh: That's so much of it.
Jeff: That's a normal amount right there.

(Looking at a painting)
Richard: I like it. It's really cool. So, who painted it?
Dana: A machine.
Ben: It's actually the first work of art made by AI to be sold at Sotheby's.

Richard: Sweet dreams.
Jared: (laughs) Right, if only.

Jeff: So, tell me about these fridges.
Dinesh: Jeff! I can't tell you that. It's a company secret.
Jeff: Okay, um, let me get you some more vodka, Dinesh.

Gavin: Do you want to save a fortune or not?
Viola: Well, yes.
Gavin: In exchange, I need you to do something for me with regard to the people who hacked your refrigerators. I'm going to destroy their lives.

Jared: The complaint specifically sites soiling their smart fridges with mime simulated fellatio.

Richard: (nervous) I'm just... are you having lunch alone? I am! I'm totally alone. Uh, in fact do you want to, uh, join me at my table for one?
Dana: Oh, okay.
Richard: Sure. Come on over.
(Dana sits down)
Server: One beef pot pie. One beef pot pie, no carrots.
Richard: (surprised) Yep. Here. Put 'em here.(The server puts two meals in front of Richard)
Richard: I love beef pot pie. And only kind of like carrots.

Richard: Okay, you know what? Fuck Gilfoyle. Fuck him right to hell.
Dinesh: I've been saying that for years.

Jared: I concede that laying it all at Gilfoyle's feet might get us out of the Seppen lawsuit, but I mean, you'd really throw him to the wolves like that? That doesn't sound like you.
Richard: Well, maybe I'm just becoming a little less ruinously empathetic.
Jared: Have you been seeing a therapist?

Jian-Yang: (referring to Gilfoyle) The witch lost his mind.

Jared: Jian-Yang, are you copying all those companies for the Chinese markets?
Jian-Yang: (nervous) Oh no!

Jared: I thought maybe you were locked in another Starbucks bathroom overnight.
Richard: One time Jared, one time.

Gilfoyle: You thought a mime performing fellatio was bad? What happens when your customers find out that every single thing they've ever said in front of their "hearth" has been recorded?

Ben: You want candor, Richard? You are objectively making a huge mistake. I'm a world-class COO, okay? And your heavy metal friend? I mean, he's obviously a dick. And you know, you know what else, Richard? You're 20 to 30 pounds underweight. It's gross. (leaves)
Dinesh: Who was that? He seemed smart!
Jared: Hey, Richard? I'm at least 45 pounds underweight. Okay, and don't worry about him. We're gonna find you a much better COO.
Richard: I think we already have. You want the job?


"You Suffer" by Napalm Death (Gilfoyle's song that plays when Bitcoin dips below a certain value)

"Cop Drama" by Clearside (End credits music)

Notes and Trivia

Although Amanda Crew (Monica Hall), Suzanne Cryer (Laurie Bream) and Josh Brener (Nelson 'Big Head' Bighetti) are credited for this episode, they did not appear.

"You Suffer" by Napalm Death, the 1.316 second song used by Gilfoyle as Bitcoin mining rig alert, is certified as the world's shortest song by The Guinness Book of World Records.

When Jian Yang called Jared, his phone number was revealed to be (650) 933-5102. When people have called this number a recorded message is heard: "Hello, this is voicemail for Jian-Yang. I did not pick up your phone. If you are a friend, or a friend of a friend, leave a message. If you are Eric, you are dead. You are dead, sad, fat ghost. I prove this to government when I show them your ashes. You are alone in hell, but still fat. Bye. I love you." (Youtube)


When Jian-Yang is calling Jared, his Samsung Galaxy phone rings with a IPhone ringtone.


The initial street meeting between Dana and Richard was filmed at 150 East Olive Avenue, Burbank, CA. (Google) This is the same location that was used for outside shots of the Palo Alto "Arbitration Center" in S02E09 - Binding Arbitration.

The establishing shot of the restaurant exterior for the scene where Richard met Ben was taken at Local Union 271, 271 University Ave, Palo Alto, CA. (Google) Interior scenes were shot at Gordon Biersch, 145 S San Fernando Blvd, Burbank, CA.

The interior of Ben's loft was filmed at a studio located at 1317 Willow St., Los Angeles, CA. (Website)


StarringThomas MiddleditchRichard Hendricks
StarringJosh BrenerNelson 'Big Head' Bighetti
StarringMartin StarrBertram Gilfoyle
StarringKumail NanjianiDinesh Chugtai
StarringAmanda CrewMonica
StarringZach WoodsJared Dunn
StarringMatt RossGavin Belson
StarringSuzanne CryerLaurie Bream
StarringJimmy O. YangJian Yang
Guest StarringBen Feldman Ron LaFlamme
Guest StarringBen KoldykeBen Burkhardt
Guest StarringDan MintzDana
Guest StarringChris WilliamsHoover
Guest StarringAndrew DalyDoctor
Co-StarringChris AquilinoDanny
Co-StarringChad DavisWaiter
Co-StarringJeff ElamTom
Co-StarringGita ReadyViola
Co-StarringRachel RosenbloomBecky
Co-starringArmen WeitzmanJeff