S05E04 - Tech Evangelist

No: 42  |  Season: 5   Episode: 4  |  Air Date: 15-Apr-2018  |  Ratings: 0.61


Attempting to woo a gaming company to PiperNet, Richard inadvertently angers a prized ally; Dinesh deals with a betrayal; in preparation for a big launch, Gavin leaves his underlings with a cryptic message; Jared gets inside information from Big Head.

Director and Writers

Director: Jamie Babbit
Written by: Josh Lieb


Richard: I wanted you guys to meet, because despite being a very diverse and talented group of young web developers. Gitscape, huh? Social coding platform. Tholio, analytics firm. Plucky, music streaming. FirstSight, dating site.
Deedee: Gay dating site.
Richard: Okay, technically, you're a dating site, but specifically, a gay one. Which is a subset, so I'm not wrong.

Richard: Despite all our differences, we all have one thing in common, right? A signed agreement with me to build and launch your websites, not on the tired, bloated, old web, but on the new Internet of the future. The Pipernet. Which is why, from this day forward, I'm going to be naming the eight of you the OctoPipers. (Everybody frowns) Until something better... TBD.

Richard: So right now, I will send to you all the very first message ever to be sent on a de-centralized, peer-to-peer Internet. Ready?
(Richard types on his phone. Sent message sound is heard, and then notifications are heard.)
Plucky CEO: Hit her. I don't get it. Are you talking about me?
Richard: I meant to say "Hi there".
Deedee: Well, it definitely says "Hit her".
Richard: I'll try it again. There's a new one. (phone typing) There. "Hi there".
Deedee: "Hi there, Hitler".

Richard: So everybody is very psyched.
Jared: You know who else is psyched? I'll give you a hint. They have four thumbs, and they are these two guys.
Gilfoyle: (deadpan face) I am very excited.
Jared: I am giddy!

Jared: I skimmed through all 40,000 of the staff's outgoing emails... and in addition to learning that we need to revise the office dating policy, because it is, essentially, the Olympic Village out there, I learned that someone has been sending a number of encrypted messages but using Gilfoyle's purloined NSA tools.
Gilfoyle: I can't hold this smile forever, Jared.

Dinesh: (singing off-key) You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met Jeff...

Dinesh: There's no way Jeff is the mole. Okay? It's not Jeff. Right, Jeff? Jeff? What about Dave & Buster's, Jeff? What about that time I got a bullseye in Skee-Ball and yelled out, "Bazinga!" And you said, "Okay". You can't fake enthusiasm like that.
Jeff: Well, I did.

Jared: You Judas. You cow-handed poltroon! We... we thought you were a Stallion!
Gilfoyle: You're no Stallion.
Jeff: What is it with you guys and stallions?
Jared: What's with you being a rat fuck?

Gavin: The irony is, the Internet, which we all use to search for billions of things, has itself long been searching for something. And here it is. Okay, then I turn and gesture. (music plays) The Box Three. Signature Edition.

Gavin: I put my name on this, because I personally stand behind the new SAS-slash SSD-slash-NVMe drive bays, the 24-core processors. I stand behind the ECC DDR4 SD-RAM LR-DIMMs and their exceptional reliability. Will you stand with me?

Gavin: I'm off to Jackson Hole for a couple of days to clear my mind, and center myself. I'll be off the grid. Not to be disturbed for any reason.Understood?
Scott: Absolutely. Is there anything else you'd like us to take care of?
Gavin: Oh. The bear is sticky with honey. See ya soon.

Dinesh: I was going to take you to see BattleBots Live with me, but no longer friend. Now who looks stupid?

Laurie: In addition to being business associates, the CEO and I take medically prescribed and supervised MDMA together. I'm taking it for severe post-partum depression. I do not know why he is taking it.

Jared: I printed driving directions.
Richard: Oh, it's okay, I got my phone.
Jared: Well, I have marked available bathrooms along the route.

Richard: Look, taking existing companies and just calling them "new" isn't sophisticated. That's theft.
Jian-Yang: You make a new Internet.

Richard: I thought you hated that car.
Jian-Yang: Aviato car smells like a dead pig.

Richard: Well, we thought the best way to introduce the Pipernet would be through the eight developers that have already signed on. Who we are calling the OctoPipers.
Colin: That's dumb.

Deedee: Why did you do that? Why did you say that?
Richard: Say what?
Deedee: Richard, you just told a room full of tech people that I'm a (whispers) Christian.

Jared: Richard. You know that my default position is blind support of whatever you do, but this was not your best moment.
Richard: Guys, it can't be that big of a deal, right?
Dinesh: Why should it be? America loves Christians. Muslims are the enemy.
Jared: Well, that's true in most of America, but not in Silicon Valley, sadly.
Dinesh: Sadly?
Jared: You can be openly polyamorous. And people here will call you brave. You can put micro-doses of LSD in your cereal, and and people will call you a pioneer. But the one thing you cannot be is a Christian.

Jeff: Yeah, it was kinda fucked up.
Richard: Cool man, thanks. (whispering) Hey, I thought he wasn't supposed to chime in.
Gilfoyle: Yeah, he's not, but based on its merits, I'll allow that one.

Jared: Look, cutting all ties to Deedee and FirstSight will definitely send a strong message to Colin. And it might be the only way. Like killing somebody to prove you're not a narc, or showing a john your genitals to prove you're a legitimate male prostitute and not an undercover cop.
Richard: What?
Jared: Because cops aren't allowed to do that. And worst case scenario, the john walks off with a free peek.

Monica: Let's put it this way. Would you want to go from being a rock band to being (whispers) a Christian rock band?
Richard: (lowers head) Oh, shit.

Executive: "The bear is sticky with honey." Those were his exact words.
Sarah: But what does that mean?
Executive: Well, Gavin speaks in parables.
Scott: I think what Gavin is saying is "consider the bear." And all this pizazz is like the honey. And it's become too sticky. There's too much of it. It's all over him.
Executive: Incorrect. No, see, the whole launch is the bear, and the honey is the pizazz. The bear needs more pizazz. The bear is ravenous for pizazz.
Scott: You don't speak for Gavin.
Executive: I don't need to. This is the word of Gavin.

Richard: You know, you could be a a twink. A bear, an otter. A circuit queen, a chub, a pup. A gipster, a daddy chaser, a leatherman, a lady boy. You could be a Donald Duck, which is a gay guy who got kicked out of the Navy.
Deedee: Yeah, I, I know what it is. How do you know so many gay things?
Richard: I worked with a guy.

Deedee: I'm gonna make things easy for you, Richard. I'm out.
Richard: Of the closet?
Deedee: No! The new Internet!

Jared: Nice place.
Bighead: Oh, thanks, yeah.
Jared: Oh, wow! That's a nice touch.
Bighead: Yeah, thanks! The Monterey Bay Aquarium was testing their sonar, and found this thing, like, two miles under the ocean. And I figure, Erlich and I already bought it, so I might as well hold onto it. Plus, it weighs like 8,000 pounds, so I couldn't move it if I wanted to.
Jared: Well, and it also kinda works as your mascot. Right? 'Cause of your name?
Bighead: Oh, yeah, 'cause "Nelson".
Jared: Oh, I meant because it's a big head.
Bighead: I guess that works, too.

Sarah: We did it! We had to fly him in from Tucson, but we got the bear.
(Bear growling)
Executive: Gavin hates the bear. You failed! Put everything back the way it was.
Scott: And widen the spotlight!

Dinesh: (to Jeff) Guess what, asshole. Leon told me he wanted your ticket, because he wants to go see BattleBots with me. But then he remembered he actually had plans that night with a bunch of people, doesn't know what they're doing, their plans are sort of fluid, plus, it's like friends from his old work, so it'd be weird if I hung out with them. Anyway looks like you and I are going to see BattleBots. You're going to hang out with me, and have fun, whether you like it or not.
(Jeff looks frightened)
Gilfoyle: And what goes best with BattleBots? That's right. Chicken wings. That's why you get a sweet $50 gift card to Dave & Buster's. Serves you right for fucking us over. Wash your fucking hair.
Dinesh: And you know what happens when I get drunk, Jeff? I get so sincere. It's really awkward. Fuck you, Jeff. Oh, um, can you drive?

Richard: Who are we to judge, right? There's some people out there that believe that we're living in a computer simulation.
Colin: Well, that is supported by the evidence.

Plucky CEO: In a few years, we'll all be working for robots.
Colin: No, that's stupid. The robots will be working for us.
Tholio CEO: Robots? Who gives a fuck about robots? It's the artificial super intelligence we should be worried about.
Plucky CEO: Exactly, and that's why we have to stop it.
Colin: Stop it? No, that's the us I'm talking about. We have to bring it into existence. Otherwise, it'll find out who didn't believe in it, and punish them.

Gilfoyle: He was always stealing snacks from the office. He could've lifted it from anywhere.
Jared: I guess that's what happened to my lavender cheese.

Jared: (staring at an empty hacker hostel) Why does every home I've ever loved get stripped?

Richard: (reading note from Jian-Yang) Richard, Hello, I went to China to do new new Internet. Thank you. Enjoy your house. I love you. Jian-Yang.


"Checkout" by The Cool Kids (Plays when Jian Yang arrives in his Corvette.)

"The Luxury Life" by AfterJourney ft. BooM (End-credits music.)

Notes and Trivia

When the binary code shown behind Gavin as he was practicing his presentation is decoded, it reads, "find a hobby for God's sake."

The video game shown during the meeting at K-Hole Games was actually "Dying Light", an open world first person survival horror action-adventure video game developed by Techland and published by Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment.

In reference to Colin's video game company "K-Hole Games", "k-hole" is an euphemism for having used too much of the drug ketamine, and have lost sense of space and time, balance, and verbal skills.




The Pied Piper office parking garage scenes were filmed at Emerson College 5960 Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles. The parking entrance is located on Gordon Street. (Google)

The scene where Richard and Deedee had a private conversation in the park, and Richard later met up with Jared and Gilfoyle, was filmed in Pan Pacific Park, 7600 Beverly Blvd, Los Angeles, CA. The "lawn bowling" park scenes, where Richard has the intial meeting with his "Octopipers", seems to have been shot in front of a green screen.


StarringThomas MiddleditchRichard Hendricks
StarringJosh BrenerNelson 'Big Head' Bighetti
StarringMartin StarrBertram Gilfoyle
StarringKumail NanjianiDinesh Chugtai
StarringAmanda CrewMonica
StarringZach WoodsJared Dunn
StarringMatt RossGavin Belson
StarringSuzanne CryerLaurie Bream
StarringJimmy O. YangJian Yang
Guest StarringScott PrendergastScott
Guest StarringRogelio RamosExecutive
Guest StarringNeil CaseyColin
Guest StarringA.D. MilesDeedee
Guest StarringArmen WeitzmanJeff
Guest StarringChris WilliamsHoover
Co-StarringVishesh ChachraBrett
Co-StarringKunal DudhekerTholio CEO
Co-StarringHailey FyfeSarah
Co-StarringBrent PopeTow Truck Driver
Co-StarringCandice RamirezPlucky CEO
Co-StarringRachel RosenbloomBecky