S05E07 - Initial Coin Offering
No: 45 | Season: 5 Episode: 7 | Air Date: 6-May-2018 | Ratings:
Richard gets unsettling news as the Pied Piper guys prepare to close their Series B funding. Meanwhile, Gilfoyle suggests a risky proposition; Dinesh goes to great lengths to compete with a coworker; Jared keeps an eye on Richard's new assistant; and Gavin tries to charm small-town America.
Director and Writers
Director: Mike Judge
Written by: Clay Tarver
Monica: All right. I have a dinner meeting and I kind of feel like a fifth wheel, so I'm gonna pick up the check, leave you to celebrate. Congrats again, guys.
Gilfoyle: Well, the only person we don't spend 20 hours a day with just left. So. What's new with you guys?
Jared: Well, I'm thinking of buying some new bookkeeping software.
Gilfoyle: All right. I think the only actual way to celebrate is to spend one waking minute apart, so. I'm gonna go.
Dinesh: Are you going home? Let's-- let's share an Uber.
Jared: Oh, well, if you're going that direction, I'm-- I'm driving, so I could drop you.
Dinesh: Hey, Gilfoyle. Wanna play Fortnite?
Richard: Oh, hold on, I didn't know we were playing Fortnite. Yeah, I'll come along.
Dinesh: Fuck Danny. I mean, I love my Tesla. It has Insane Mode, which means it goes zero to 60 in 3.2 seconds, which is literally insane. But the Tesla that Danny ordered has Ludicrous Mode, which means it goes zero to 60 in 2.8 seconds. So it's gonna take me an entire 0.4 seconds longer to get to 60. I mean, how would you feel if one of your neighbors got a tiki head bigger than yours?
Bighead: Oh, well, when we bought it, we made sure it was the biggest one they made, so.
Dinesh: I used to be the Tesla guy in the office. I maxed out my credit cards to be able to afford that thing. And now that we're getting series B, any one of these bourgeois new money millennial fucks can just go out and buy one. I don't wanna sound selfish, but sometimes I wish only I made money. You know?
Gilfoyle: There are very few things that I will defend with true passion: medical marijuana, the biblical Satan as a metaphor for rebellion against tyranny, and mother fucking Goddamn cryptocurrency.
Gilfoyle: I have a PowerPoint that I've been wanting to show you for some time.
Gavin: Walk me through this. We can't make our boxes in China because Yao has threatened every manufacturer in the country. We can't afford Bangladesh, because the workers have unionized. And we can't use our place in Laos, because one person gets her scalp ripped off and suddenly, everyone's screaming regulations. You know, you hear a lot of chatter about the growth of the global economy, but no one wants to talk about the downside.
Executive: Gavin, there is one other manufacturing option we haven't discussed yet, which considering the current circumstances, might be worth consideration.
Gavin: I'm open to anything.
Gavin: Fuck you!
Gilfoyle: (speaking to PowerPoint presentation) In 350 BCE, Aristotle defined sound money as being durable, transferable, divisible, scarce, recognizable.... and fungible.
Richard: Gilfoyle, can we skip ahead 2,400 years? I mean, I know what cryptocurrency is.
Gilfoyle: Richard, a lot of work went into this presentation. Okay. Fine. But you're missing out on a lot of wisdom, here.
Gavin: Good people of Goldbriar, for too long, foreign interests have used unfair trade and labor practices to plunder American wealth and steal American jobs. But I don't blame them for that. No. I blame weak, spineless American politicians. But if your mayor does his job, your jobs will come back, and soon, you will proudly be building the Gavin Belson Signature Box Three. But if for some reason he can't make my very reasonable proposal work, you know who to blame. I'm excited to get started. What about y'all?
Russ: I was such a fucking pussy when Bitcoin broke, Richard. If I had the balls, I'd have put every penny I had into that shit five years ago, watched it go up, up, up, up, up and then pulled out right before it all came crashing down again. I mean, Jesus, why didn't I do that? Fuck me! But then, it occurred to me: I own 36 fucking companies, Richard. If I make them all ICO, that's 36 bites at the apple. So I did it.
Richard: You... you did 36 ICOs?
Richard: Did they work?
Russ: You know, one of the things being in the three comma club has taught me, Richard, is it's not always about money. Sometimes, it's about wisdom. And did I lose a B? Close to it. Fuck! But I bet I gained two B in wisdom.
Gilfoyle: So you lost it all?
Russ: Ha, ha, Richard, if I didn't love this crazy guy so much, I'd knock his fucking teeth out. Nah, nah, I didn't lose it all. I mean, one of them got shut down by the SEC. On a few, we got scammed. But some of them worked. One of them worked.
Richard: One? One out of 36? Yeah.
Russ: Listen, all the coin I had from the ICO that worked was on a USB thumb drive. And my dumb fucking housekeeper threw out my jeans, 'cause they were ripped. Even though I paid more for the ripped ones. And the thumb drive was in the pocket, so. $300 million in crypto is buried out here, somewhere. But my boys will find it. If they wanna get paid, right?
Mayor: I'd do anything to help the people of this area. But giving you public money on this scale would decimate our budget. I could have the local high school renamed after you. Rosa Parks has never even been to Goldbriar.
Mayor: The only things I have left to cut are essential services.
Gavin: There you go. Do that. You could have a volunteer fire department. Because I can't afford a penny more than this.
(Boards his private jet)
Ron LaFlamme: All right. One more, right there. And done-zo. Series ba-bam.
(Richard signs the papers)
Monica: Richard, don't sign it. Look, I can't protect you. At some point, Laurie's gonna fuck you over and make you sell ads. And I don't think there's anything I can do about it. Don't sign the deal.
Richard: I just did. It's done. Jesus Christ. Laurie's gonna sell ads. Isn't that what I told you? What the fuck am I supposed to do now? God!
Ron LaFlamme: You know I can just tear these up, right?
Richard: No, I know. Good.
Gavin: Ah, Hoover. How's the factory coming? We almost online?
Hoover: Not exactly, sir. It's gone.
Gavin: What do you mean? Did that dipshit mayor renege on our deal?
Hoover: No, he made every effort, including having the factory repainted.
Gavin: Okay. So what's the problem?
Hoover: Well, apparently, the painters left some oily rags in a garbage can. But because of cuts to the sanitation service, the trash was not collected and the rags smoldered and caught fire. And because of cuts to the fire department, the blaze spread. A number of concerned citizens volunteered to help fight the fire, but because the water was cut off, they could not.
Gavin: Okay, so what happened?
Hoover: Well, the vast majority of our expensive, rare earth materials survived the fire.
Gavin: Well, that's something.
Hoover: Until the flames abated, when because of mass layoffs of police, the locals that were there to fight the fire decided instead to loot the burned-out factory. The National Guard attempted to reach the factory to help stop this, but...
Gavin: The roads.
Hoover: The roads, sir, yes.
Gavin: Okay. So, we lost it all? Everything?
Hoover: Yes. Also, the IRS called. Somehow, they found out about Bermuda.
Laurie: Monica, you have certain values. And I see no reason you should not work with companies that share them. Similarly, I should work with companies that share my values.
Monica: So, no hard feelings?
Laurie: No feelings at all, Monica.
"Cut Chemist" by Metalstorm feat. Edan and Mr. Lif (End credits music.)
Notes and Trivia
The "Fortnight" reference in the cold opening seems to have been added as a post-edit.
Although Jimmy O. Yang (Jian Yang) is credited for this episode, he did not appear.
Dinesh: So, there is a mode above Ludicrous Mode. Am I correct?
Stephanie: Yes. It's called Plaid. And it comes standard on the new Tesla Roadster.
When the Tesla saleswoman mentions "Plaid" mode, she is making a reference to the movie "Spaceballs", where the starship goes into "Ludicrous" speed, and then into "Plaid". (Youtube) However, this send-up is not something that "Silicon Valley" invented, as Tesla has actually included "Ludicrous" and "Plaid" modes in their products.
The outside shot of the restaurant where Monica was treating the guys to expensive champagne was shot at Nemea Greek Taverna, 96 S 1st St, San Jose, California. (Google)
The Goldbriar, North Carolina airport departure scene was filmed at Hangar 40, Burbank Airport. (Google)
The Pied Piper office parking garage scenes were filmed at Emerson College 5960 Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles. The parking entrance is located on Gordon Street. (Google)
|Starring||Thomas Middleditch||Richard Hendricks|
|Starring||Josh Brener||Nelson 'Big Head' Bighetti|
|Starring||Martin Starr||Bertram Gilfoyle|
|Starring||Kumail Nanjiani||Dinesh Chugtai|
|Starring||Zach Woods||Jared Dunn|
|Starring||Matt Ross||Gavin Belson|
|Starring||Suzanne Cryer||Laurie Bream|
|Starring||Jimmy O. Yang||Jian Yang|
|Guest Starring||Chris Diamantopoulos||Russ Hanneman|
|Guest Starring||Scott Prendergast||Scott|
|Guest Starring||Rogelio Ramos||Executive|
|Guest Starring||Keye Chen||Dang|
|Guest Starring||Ben Feldman||Ron LaFlamme|
|Guest Starring||Tzi Ma||Yao|
|Guest Starring||Chris Williams||Hoover|
|Guest Starring||Tony Winters||Mayor Wilkins|
|Co-Starring||Ben Bram||Goldbriar Singer|
|Co-Starring||Jasper Randall||Goldbriar Singer|
|Co-Starring||Fletcher Sheridan||Goldbriar Singer|
|Co-Starring||Mark Edward Smith||Goldbriar Singer|
|Co-Starring||Gary Stockdale||Goldbriar Singer|