Jared - Silicon Valley

Jared Quotes - Silicon Valley

Jared quotes from the hit HBO show "Silicon Valley"


S04E10 - Server Error (Jared Quotes)

Jared: Richard, these are real people with real crotches, and they're burning.

Jared: I write three letters every time I start a job... a personal action plan, a letter to my 40-year-old self, and that, a resignation letter. Uh, I'll be moving my things back into my condo.
Dinesh: What about your squatter?
Jared: Oh, he's been out for months. He left to go sell cocaine at the Keystone Pipeline protests.

Jared: I already have upwards of 50 burnt perinea on my conscience. Richard, that's enough.

Jared: I'm sorry that you had to witness that scene in there. It probably gave you the impression that the company is in disarray, but I can assure you, there's a very simple explanation for that. It... it is.
Gladys: Sorry?
Jared: Yeah, even setting aside our CEO's sexual distortion, adultery, and lowbrow scatlogical vandalism, we're still essentially a... a criminal operation whose only real product is dangerous malware. I see you're fluent in Japanese. Are... are you gonna be comfortable with casual racism?
Gladys: (pointing at the burnt palapa) I'm sorry. What happened here?
Jared: Uh, arson.

S04E09 - Hooli-Con (Jared Quotes)

Richard: Think of it more as, um, forced adoption through aggressive guerrilla marketing.
Jared: Well, as a product of forced adoption, I can assure you there are consequences.

Richard: You're always telling me how you spent your entire childhood pretending that everything going on around you was okay.
Jared: Uncle Jerry's game.
Richard: Yeah, that. Let's play Uncle Jerry's game.

Jared: Gavin Belson started out with lofty goals too, but he just kept excusing immoral behavior just like this, until one day all that was left was a sad man with funny shoes... Disgraced, friendless, and engorged with the blood of a youthful charlatan.

Jared: Oh! Here he comes, folks. Oh, thanks. Richard Hendricks, the Monet of compressionism.

Jared: You sacrificed... everything that we've worked for... for PoopFare? How was PoopFare... for the greater good?

S04E08 - The Keenan Vortex (Jared Quotes)

Jared: Richard, you are my captain, and I'm your mate. And I will sleep in the bilge with the vermin, and I will eat hardtack, and I will say, "Thank you." And if duty requires, I will stand on deck, and I will salute you as we sink beneath the waves. But as poor as our odds are, I'm worried that if we turn down this offer, we will lose the rest of our crew, and if that happens, you will lose everything, Richard. Your algorithm.
Richard: So, you're saying that if I say no to this... I risk having a mutiny on my hands.
Jared: Aye, Captain.

S04E07 - The Patent Troll (Jared Quotes)

Jared: We may not be a global epidemic yet, but... we've leapt from bat saliva to humans and... and we've just killed our first few villagers.

Jared: Go for Chambers. Ned! I knew it was you. Hey, did that pussy Jared keep you on hold long? I eat that motherfucker's lunch every day. No, man, I literally eat his food. What do you want? Uh-uh, ain't gonna happen. That's as high as we go, homo. Till next time, rook.

Jared: So, we just ate the Wheat Thin, didn't we?
Fridge: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see any Wheat Thins. Shall I add them to your shopping list?
Jared: Eh, sure.

Dinesh: Hey, Richard, but you're not seriously gonna defend yourself in court, right?
Jared: Well, Larry Flynt did it. And Sir Walter Raleigh, although he lost and was publicly beheaded. But you could argue that he eventually won in the court of history.

Jared: I had to let Ed Chambers go.
Richard: Who?
Jared: My fictional supervisor. He bragged to a sales rep at LaCroix about doing it to Sonia Sotomayor, so Ed is no longer with us.
Richard: I'm sure we can manage.

S04E06 - Customer Service (Jared Quotes)

Jared: It's good to face your fears. I was scared of intruders till I had one of those in my room, and then I realized, you know, if they're gonna kill me, they're gonna kill me. 'Cause he kept... whispering that.

Richard: Anyway, uh, Jared, let's get a deck together on this.
Jared: Aye, aye, Captain.

Jared: Now, you need to break this thing off clean and clear, so you just walk into that office and... and you look her in the eyes, and you say... "Listen, baby... you're getting hitched, and... and I... was born to roam."

Jared: Oh, I am so glad this is over. I felt like Gibraltar in World War II, where it was both crucial and inert.

S04E05 - The Blood Boy (Jared Quotes)

Bryce: Gavin has obviously had a lot more success than you, Richard, and I just think having an asset like Gavin Belson on your side...
Jared: (gets mad) What'd you say? You dick!
Bryce: Whoa!
Jared: You dick! You dick!
Bryce: Okay.
Richard: Whoa. All right.
Jared: Fuck you!
(Bryce leaves)
Richard: Okay. It's okay.
Jared: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Richard: It's okay. It's okay.
Gilfoyle: This is already the best job I ever had.

Dinesh: So, she's super attractive, and she's super smart, and she's way into me, like way more than a normal person should be. And sex! There's so much sex! The problem is the part after.
Gilfoyle: When you have to apologize.
Dinesh: No. When we do pillow talk.
Jared: Oh. That's the best part. Everything before that is just foreplay.

Jared: Sometimes you have to make compromises. I mean, I once slept with the head of an assisted-living facility to get my friend Muriel bumped up the wait list. Am I proud of it? No. Do I regret it? (shakes head)

S04E04 - Teambuilding Exercise (Jared Quotes)

Jared: When you don the skin of the beast, the man within dies.
Richard: What is that? Nietzsche?
Jared: One of the boys at my group home always said that. He died.

Jared: Why is Richard in there with Brett Saxby? I mean, he was in Gavin's inner circle. Is Richard aware of that? Is anyone taking notes? Does Richard even have a pen? It's 10:00 a.m. Why are they drinking beer?

Jared: You need me... the half-crazed, half-Apache who will do anything to get your back. I'll scalp Gavin if I have to, and all the rest of those paleface sons of bitches. I'll kill them with knives. I'll kill them with guns. I'll kill them with my hands. I'll talk them into suicide. It doesn't matter.

Jared: Together again. Butch Cassidy and his head of business development.
Ricard: Oh, wow, another Western reference.
Jared: Yaw! Let's go.

Jared: Gilfoyle is a man of intense pride. So, when he refers to a potential employee as a "pig-faced fuck nose," what I hear is "I need to be needed."

Jared: Gilfoyle's insults are normally well crafted, almost poetic. Last week he referred to me as Frankenstein's bulimic daughter.

S04E03 - Intellectual Property (Jared Quotes)

Dinesh: People don't have people killed in the Valley. Not even Gavin Belson. Okay? Right, Jared?
Jared: I... I once saw him throw a sloth down a flight of stairs after a presentation, and he said it was an accident, but he had this look in his eyes. I... I can't rule it out.

(Jared looks under a tarp and discovers Peter's self-driving car)
Car: Select destination.
Jared: (startled) No. No. No.
Car: Optimizing route to Arallon.
Jared: No, thank you.

S04E02 - Terms of Service (Jared Quotes)

Jared: Have you seen the new Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition? The cover model has the most lovely, enigmatic facial expression.

Jared: What do you mean you were looking at user data? You violated our system? Richard, you were inside us?

Jared: I know, in the fable, Pied Piper led all the children into darkness, but now we're doing it.

S04E01 - Success Failure (Jared Quotes)

(Jared is doing Richard's nails)
Richard: Where did you learn how to do this anyway?
Jared: Oh ah... when I was on the street it was a means of survival.

Richard: These guys, they're gonna need you, so if you want to support me, you support them. Think you can do that?
Jared: I've always been very adept at taking the shape of whatever shoe is pressed down upon me so I can try to make it work.

S03E10 - The Uptick (Jared Quotes)

Dinesh: Jared, have you been crying?
Jared: Yes, but for ordinary reasons.

Jared: This is fraud.
Richard: Is it? I mean, our our platform does exactly what we say it does. Okay? It's not like we're lying about it like fucking Theranos. And if our platform works, which we know it will, we will make them billions of dollars. Everybody wins, Jared. You still believe that, right? That, if given enough time, the platform will catch on?
Jared: Richard, don't weaponize my faith in you against me.
Richard: Your faith made all this possible.
Jared: It's wrong.
Richard: Well, every time I try to do the right thing, I get fucked. And if I do the right thing here, we're done. That's it. Doesn't seem like much of an option, does it?

S03E09 - Daily Active Users (Jared Quotes)

Jared: After the Table ads, the salaries, recruiter fees... You know what? I haven't run the numbers. It would be irresponsible to estimate.
Richard: Okay, uh, is it less than a million dollars?
Jared: Oh, God, yeah.
Richard: Okay. It's higher than 500,000, right?
Jared: Yeah. I guess it's about $697,240. But don't quote me on that.

Jared: You know, a lot of animated characters have rough starts. Early Bugs Bunny cartoons were just garish displays of anti-Japanese hysteria, and now he's the face of Warner Bros.

S03E08 - Bachman's Earning's Over-Ride (Jared Quotes)

Jared: Now Gilfoyle, I have you at about a 40 long. Am I right?
Gilfoyle: If my mother was naked and dead in the street I would not cover her body with "that" jacket.
Jared: (giggles) Gilf...

Richard: Monica. It's Monica.
Jared: Let's not jump to conclusions. She's the only one who's bought a jacket.
Richard: Jared. She's the only one who hates the platform. There's no other explanation for this. Okay. Monica fucked us. She pulled down our pants and fucked us in front of our parents.
Jared: (concerned) Did some... Richard, did somebody do that to you?

Jared: (gasping)
Richard: Jared, are you okay?
Jared: It's just so many emotions. The board seat. I feel regret and glee that you would choose to honor me, and terror at not living up to your expectations, and compassion for Erlich's loss. Oh, Donald, you've come undone.
Gilfoyole: You still want him on the board?

S03E07 - To Build a Better Beta (Jared Quotes)

Jared: I don't want to count our chickens before they hatch. I mean, three percent of hatchlings are born mutated or dead, but we may have a healthy brood on our hands!

Jared: Well, people do create imaginary friends to meet their emotional needs. When I was little, I used to pretend that I shared a room with Harriet Tubman and we were always planning our big escape.

Jared: (to Dinesh and Gilfoyle) Can't you two see, you're each other's best friends.
Dinesh and Gilfoyle: FUCK YOU JARED!
Jared: Jinx! You owe each other a friendship!

S03E06 - Bachmanity Insanity (Jared Quotes)

Jared: At Hooli, I once saw two engineers get into a fight so vicious, they almost made physical contact.

Jared: I had a stuffed animal named Winnie.
Winnie: Oh, wow.
Jared: I mean, it wasn't technically an animal, I took a Ziploc bag and I stuffed it with old newspaper and then I drew a smile on it.

Jared: Maybe now I'll fan out my plumage, so to speak, and see what pretty birdies might share my nest.

S03E05 - The Empty Chair (Jared Quotes)

Jared: I have a fragile posterior. My aunt used to call me "glasshole."

Dinesh: These offices were nice. Now everything looks so bare.
Jared: Yeah. There is a certain sad vulnerability to it. Have you ever seen a naked dead person?
Dinesh: No... No... No!

Jared: Well, what's gone is not necessarily lost. Okay, we just need to find it. I found my retainer in the school dumpster. I found my biological father in a militia up in the Ozarks. This should be no problem. Don't worry, Dinesh, we'll find it.

Jared: My captain! O Captain! My captain! Rise up and hear the bells. Rise up... for you the flag is flung... for you the bugle trills.
Richard: All right. Dismissed.

Jared: This is honestly like the best birthday gift that I ever could've asked for.
Erlich: It's your birthday?
Jared: Oh, I don't know. The CPS worker couldn't find my birth certificate, but... maybe now it is.

Jared: I read that the woman who started Pegg'd built her entire app using a team of coders from India, she never met in person. And it only cost $15,000. So, yeah, so we figured why limit ourselves to a few expensive people in the Valley, when we could afford a full complement if we outsourced?

S03E04 - Maleant Data Systems Solutions (Jared Quotes)

Jared: Oh, uh, while I have you, there were fresh droppings near my cot. I think you were right. The Havahart traps don't seem to be working. I was thinking maybe we could just pick a day and just drench it in hawk urine, because the scent of a predator can keep rodents at bay. It's funny, we're named Pied Piper, but we're beset with rats. Little rascals.

Jared: Look what you guys built. You can't help but be elegant, you're like Audrey Hepburn.

S03E03 - Meinertzhagen's Haversack (Jared Quotes)

Jared: Sorry, Django.
Dinesh: Django?
Jared: (laughing) Unchained.

Jared: Hey, Dinesh, nice chain. Do you choke your mother with it when you put your penis in her butthole?
Richard: What the fuck?

S03E02 - Two in the Box (Jared Quotes)

Jack: Hey, Jared, how about you? You need any new gear for the office?
Jared: No, I'm BYOC.

Jared: Richard, do you think it'd be okay if I took this box? I'm moving out of Noah's guest house after work.
Dinesh: And you want to sleep in that box?
Jared: No. I haven't slept in a box in years.

Jared: I simply imagine that my skeleton is me and my body is my house. That way I'm always home.

S03E01 - Founder Friendly (Jared Quotes)

Richard: Some of these companies are pretty good. Flutterbeam's like really good.
Jared: Of course it is. They all are. You're the belle of the ball, and these are all your swains, hoping for a glimpse of ankle.

Jared: Well, your pumpedness makes me pumped.

S02E10 - Two Days of the Condor (Jared Quotes)

Jared: I've always wanted to be part of a suicide pact.
Dinesh: What? That's not what we're doing.

S02E09 - Binding Arbitration (Jared Quotes)

Jared: They have the manpower. We have the perseverance. Triumph of the will.
Dinesh: He's the most cheerful person I've ever heard quote Hitler.

S02E06 - Homicide (Jared Quotes)

Jared: She's really smart. But not afraid to be bawdy.

Jared: There was a live stream of an eagle's nest last year that went viral, and was getting millions of hits. And I don't wanna be inflammatory, but next to a condor, an eagle looks like a common cackling.

S02E05 - Server Space (Jared Quotes)

Jared: Did you see the conference nook? Just think of the conferences we could have in this nook.

Jared: When Bill Gates got married on Lanai, he rented every helicopter on the Hawaiian islands so that paparazzi couldn't use them to fly over. Although in that case, it was a positive, because now you can imagine that wedding however you want.

S02E04 - The Lady (Jared Quotes)

Jared: It's like we're the Beatles and now we just need Yoko.
Dinesh: That's the worst example you could have used.

Jared: I mean, we're all cool here, but we know each other. So obviously, when Dinesh calls me retarded Frankenstein, or he describes me as AIDS lady, or Gilfoyle refers to me as effeminate K.D.Lang, I know this is a joke among friends.
Dinesh: It's not a joke.
Gilfoyle: We're not friends.

S02E03 - Bad Money (Jared Quotes)

Jared: But Hooli was like an abusive spouse to me. You know, like that guy who married Julia Roberts in "Sleeping With The Enemy"? It was dehumanizing. But then, you, Richard, you pulled me out of the life and you gave me hope and you gave me a sense of self-worth. Like Richard Gere did to Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman.
Dinesh: This is weird.
Jared: Every day here has been like that shopping-spree scene. I'm putting on hats.
(Later)
Jared: Richard, I'd understand if you took it, but watching you end up over there would break my heart.
Richard: What, like Julia Roberts from "My Best Friend's Wedding"?
Jared: I never saw it.

Jared: They just kept saying if I didn't waste so much money at the butthole doctor, then we'd have enough money, but I pay for all my medical out of pocket.

S02E02 - Runaway Devaluation (Jared Quotes)

Jared: I've never felt like I was anyone's bro before. The only people who have used that term with me were assailants, but, um, I started bro'ing people and getting bro'ed back.

Jared: Well, get some sleep, my bros. I'll set the meeting, and, um, then I'll go find some hoes to prioritize behind you.
Erlich: Are you trying to say "Bros before hoes"?
Jared: It's sexist, but it's about friendship.

Jared: It's like when somebody says they want to go birding with you, but really they just want to get you alone in the woods, so they can take your binoculars.

Jared: We were bros. We were bros.

S01E08 - Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency (Jared Quotes)

Jared: Hi! I'd like to talk to you about a company called Pied Piper. What does it do? Good question. Maybe you can help us find an answer. What if Pied Piper was an app that could attract rodents? You know, like the fairy tale? For purposes of extermination or to feed your pet snake. We're not here to tell you what to do with your rats, we're here to get your rats, STAT. Would you be very interested, somewhat interested or not interested? Which one? Which one? Which one?

Police Officer: You have any weapons or drugs on your person at this time?
Jared: Why yes. Yes I do. (Hands Adderall bottle to officer)
Police Officer: Adderall. This is a highly controlled substance. Are these yours?
Jared: No! Those belong to an underage kid that I brought to my house.

Jared: I'll admit I'm sleep challenged. I just spent 4 days trapped in a steel box out in an oil rig full of robot forklifts. But now I'm back, and I am recovering, and I am focused, and we're going to pivot. Don't lose faith guys. Look at me, look at me. We've got a great name, we've got a great team, we've got a great logo, and we've got a great name. And now we just need an idea. Let's pivot. Let's pivot.
Dinesh: That might be the last time we see him alive.

Jared: How much would it be worth to you if I told you I had a GPS app called "Pied Piper", tracking the location of your child? I can follow your child anywhere and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Most missing children are never found. Interested, very interested, or very interested?

S01E04 - Fiduciary Duties (Jared Quotes)

Richard: Fuck Erlich. I turned down 10 million dollars to build this thing. You want vision? I will show you fucking vision!
Jared: I like this new angry side of you. Being around angry people relaxes me because I know where I stand.

S01E03 - Articles of Incorporation (Jared Quotes)

Dinesh: You know who else is Canadian? Justin Bieber. The Hitler of music.
(later)
Jared: Hitler actually played the bassoon. So technically Hitler was the Hitler of music.

Richard: We love the name Pied Piper. It's a classic fairy tale.
Jared: Well, I looked it up. It's about a predatory flautist who murders children in a cave.
Gilfoyle: It has all of that going for it, Richard, and I still hate it.

Jared: My name's only Jared because Gavin called me that on my first day. My real name is Donald.

Jared: What about, "Dwarfism 2.0"?
Gilfoyle: Where's "Dwarfism 1.0"?
Jared: Just in the world.
Dinesh: (sad) Oh.

Jared: If you keep screaming your name, it forces the assailant to acknowledge you as a human.

S01E02 - The Cap Table (Jared Quotes)

Jared: Hey! Sorry if I scared you, I know I have somewhat ghost-like features. My uncle used to say, "You look like someone starved a virgin to death."

Jared: (bows to Erlich) Um Good morning. Whoops, that was weird. I don't know why I did that. You kind of have a like a king-ish feeling to you. You're like a Norse hero from Valhalla.
Erlich: Don't pander to me. Peter Gregory said specifically to trim the fat.
Jared: They actually tried to diagnose me with a wasting disease because of my slender frame.