Jared Quotes - Silicon Valley
Jared quotes from the hit HBO show "Silicon Valley"
S06E07 - Exit Event (Jared Quotes)
Jared: I have a surprise for everybody, and, um, (laughing) suffice it to say, I think that everyone here is gonna want a slice of this moist and scrumptious cake. We're gonna take a bite in three, two...
Gabe: Richard's in the cake!
Richard: I think I might disappear for a bit. Maybe travel.
Jared: Yeah, I might travel, too. Where were you thinking?
Richard: It may help if, at least for the time being, you pretend to be mad at me.
Jared: Look, Richard, I was a world theater minor at Vassar, but that is one Javanese shadow play that I cannot perform.
S06E06 - RussFest (Jared Quotes)
S06E05 - Tethics (Jared Quotes)
S06E04 - Maximizing Alphaness (Jared Quotes)
Jared: Oh my God. Gwart, do you remember how I-I told you I found my birth father in that militia in the Ozarks, but... then it turned out that guy was a fraud? Well, um, I just went in for some genetic testing to-to confirm my diagnosis of Marfan syndrome, and it turns out that my real parents are alive. And they live in Santa Cruz. And they're still together. What should I do? Should I visit them?
S06E03 - Hooli Smokes (Jared Quotes)
Jared: (to the police) So, until a Richard Hendricks reports an assault, I-I technically can't turn myself in for it?
Police Officer: That is correct.
Jared: And what about a restraining order? Can I-I take one out against myself on his behalf?
Police Officer: No.
Jared: What if I threaten you guys? Just hear me out. Fucking pigs, I-I hope that you get cheated out of your overtime. How about that, dickless?
Police Officer: Maybe you could just try calling the guy?
S06E02 - Blood Money (Jared Quotes)
S06E01 - Artificial Lack of Intelligence (Jared Quotes)
S05E08 - Fifty-One Percent (Jared Quotes)
Monica: Colin went camping. Alone.
Jared: Well, did she say where he went?
Monica: The Los Trancos Preserve?
Jared: Wait. I know exactly where that is. I used to go foraging for mushrooms with my friend Muriel there before she passed away.
Jared: This is the last road, Dinesh. He's not here.
Dinesh: Colin! Colin!
Camper: Will you shut the fuck up?
Jared: (angry) How would you like to die today, motherfucker?
Dinesh: No, it's not a real death threat, sir.
Jared: I'm sorry. I'm just stressed.
Jared: I heard on a podcast that patrol men are actually a lot more tempted by bribes than you might think.
Dinesh: Officer, hi. Is there anything I can do to make this all... go away?
CHP Officer: Sir, I would think very carefully about the next words that come out of your mouth.
S05E07 - Initial Coin Offering (Jared Quotes)
S05E06 - Artificial Emotional Intelligence (Jared Quotes)
Jared: Richard, it is important to develop emotional self-discipline for situations like this.
Jared: Sometimes you have to numb yourself. If you wanna work the corner, you can't fall in love every time you turn a trick. That's why you do the oxy.
S05E05 - Facial Recognition (Jared Quotes)
Jared: I did have to cancel a speaking engagement this afternoon, with an underprivileged middle school computer education class, but I suppose being abandoned by a role model is in itself an important life lesson.
Jared: (to Richard) You're going to be fine. Look at you, you've got the hair of Giovanni Ribisi, and the complexion of Timothy Hutton, and the eyes of Joni Mitchell. You're like a Mr. Potato Head of beautiful people.
Jared: I'm sure you're aware of the Great London Horse Manure Crisis of 1894.
Emily Chang: I'm afraid I'm not.
Jared: In the 1890s, the Industrial Revolution had people flocking to the city, and more people equals more horses, and more horses equals more manure. And it was predicted that by the middle of the next century, there would be nine feet of manure covering the streets. But what no one saw coming, was a new technology that would completely obliterate those concerns. The car. Over night, the manure problem vanished. And the Internet, as we currently know it, is rife with, uh, identity theft, and spam and hacking. So, it's manure, and we believe that, in success, our new, entirely de-centralized Internet, will be just as significant as the car.
Jared: Is is my nose really that big? I mean, I I look like an anti-Semitic propaganda cartoon.
Gilfoyle: Yep. But at least when you're sitting with Adrian Grenier, whose face is one of the top faces, well, they'll be cutting from your face to his face. And back to your face, then we'll get to see his face again.
Jared: This is untenable.
S05E04 - Tech Evangelist (Jared Quotes)
Jared: I skimmed through all 40,000 of the staff's outgoing emails... and in addition to learning that we need to revise the office dating policy, because it is, essentially, the Olympic Village out there, I learned that someone has been sending a number of encrypted messages but using Gilfoyle's purloined NSA tools.
Gilfoyle: I can't hold this smile forever, Jared.
Jared: Look, cutting all ties to Deedee and FirstSight will definitely send a strong message to Colin. And it might be the only way. Like killing somebody to prove you're not a narc, or showing a john your genitals to prove you're a legitimate male prostitute and not an undercover cop.
Jared: Because cops aren't allowed to do that. And worst case scenario, the john walks off with a free peek.
S05E03 - Chief Operating Officer (Jared Quotes)
S05E02 - Reorientation (Jared Quotes)
Jared: People don't wanna follow an idea, they wanna follow a leader. Look at the last guy to create a new Internet. Al Gore. His ideas were excellent, but he talked like a narcoleptic plantation owner, so he lost the presidency to a fake cowboy and now he makes apocalypse porn.
Jean: (referring to Gavin's signature) The signature displayed troubling traits. Left of upright slant, narrow angles, tense strokes, conclusively indicative of sociopathic tendencies.
Jean: Characterized by a lack of empathy and need to dominate, a willingness to hurt others to achieve one's goals. Inability to accept bad news...
Gavin: Hoover, get this horrible woman the fuck out of my office, now.
Richard: What a day. See, we'd still be finishing up orientation, singing Kumbayas and doing trust falls. But instead, both our Optimoji and Sliceline teams have gone through their first code review.
Jared: Well, to be fair, I never would've scheduled trust falls. I mean, you do one of those, you're so jacked up on adrenaline, the rest of the day is basically shot. We were gonna have a noncompetitive talent show with no losers.
Jared: He's violently allergic to dogs. It's another reason for our iron-clad no dog policy.
Richard: Jared, when were you planning on telling me all of this?
Jared: Day two of orientation. Right after safe space charades.
S05E01 - Grow Fast or Die Slow (Jared Quotes)
Jared: Alright, Richard, your tuxedo is pressed and ready for the gala. I put a touch of mint in the steamer. You're gonna look like Richard Gere from "Pretty Woman." Maybe tonight you'll fall for a radiant sex worker.
Richard: Jared, um call alt-right guy and cologne boy and all the other rejects, and set meetings.Jared: Well, I did a little digging on the alt-right guy, and he's pretty involved in a campaign to eliminate black emojis.
Kira: We're like family, and you only wanna bring along twelve? I have to do what's right by my guys.Jared: Look, I know what it's like to only be able to rescue half your family... and it's awful, but what can you do?
Richard: Our deal with Kira is for 30 fucking coders. Where in the hell are we gonna put them? Jared: Well, I suppose we could put three more workstations here, and then two more over there. It'd be crowded but cozy. They'll be all holed up together like the Branch Davidians.
S04E10 - Server Error (Jared Quotes)
Jared: I write three letters every time I start a job... a personal action plan, a letter to my 40-year-old self, and that, a resignation letter. Uh, I'll be moving my things back into my condo.
Dinesh: What about your squatter?
Jared: Oh, he's been out for months. He left to go sell cocaine at the Keystone Pipeline protests.
Jared: I'm sorry that you had to witness that scene in there. It probably gave you the impression that the company is in disarray, but I can assure you, there's a very simple explanation for that. It... it is.
Jared: Yeah, even setting aside our CEO's sexual distortion, adultery, and lowbrow scatlogical vandalism, we're still essentially a... a criminal operation whose only real product is dangerous malware. I see you're fluent in Japanese. Are... are you gonna be comfortable with casual racism?
Gladys: (pointing at the burnt palapa) I'm sorry. What happened here?
Jared: Uh, arson.
S04E09 - Hooli-Con (Jared Quotes)
Richard: You're always telling me how you spent your entire childhood pretending that everything going on around you was okay.
Jared: Uncle Jerry's game.
Richard: Yeah, that. Let's play Uncle Jerry's game.
Jared: Gavin Belson started out with lofty goals too, but he just kept excusing immoral behavior just like this, until one day all that was left was a sad man with funny shoes... Disgraced, friendless, and engorged with the blood of a youthful charlatan.
S04E08 - The Keenan Vortex (Jared Quotes)
Jared: Richard, you are my captain, and I'm your mate. And I will sleep in the bilge with the vermin, and I will eat hardtack, and I will say, "Thank you." And if duty requires, I will stand on deck, and I will salute you as we sink beneath the waves. But as poor as our odds are, I'm worried that if we turn down this offer, we will lose the rest of our crew, and if that happens, you will lose everything, Richard. Your algorithm.
Richard: So, you're saying that if I say no to this... I risk having a mutiny on my hands.
Jared: Aye, Captain.
S04E07 - The Patent Troll (Jared Quotes)
Jared: Go for Chambers. Ned! I knew it was you. Hey, did that pussy Jared keep you on hold long? I eat that motherfucker's lunch every day. No, man, I literally eat his food. What do you want? Uh-uh, ain't gonna happen. That's as high as we go, homo. Till next time, rook.
Dinesh: Hey, Richard, but you're not seriously gonna defend yourself in court, right?
Jared: Well, Larry Flynt did it. And Sir Walter Raleigh, although he lost and was publicly beheaded. But you could argue that he eventually won in the court of history.
Jared: I had to let Ed Chambers go.
Jared: My fictional supervisor. He bragged to a sales rep at LaCroix about doing it to Sonia Sotomayor, so Ed is no longer with us.
Richard: I'm sure we can manage.
S04E06 - Customer Service (Jared Quotes)
Jared: It's good to face your fears. I was scared of intruders till I had one of those in my room, and then I realized, you know, if they're gonna kill me, they're gonna kill me. 'Cause he kept... whispering that.
Jared: Now, you need to break this thing off clean and clear, so you just walk into that office and... and you look her in the eyes, and you say... "Listen, baby... you're getting hitched, and... and I... was born to roam."
S04E05 - The Blood Boy (Jared Quotes)
Bryce: Gavin has obviously had a lot more success than you, Richard, and I just think having an asset like Gavin Belson on your side...
Jared: (gets mad) What'd you say? You dick!
Jared: You dick! You dick!
Richard: Whoa. All right.
Jared: Fuck you!
Richard: Okay. It's okay.
Jared: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Richard: It's okay. It's okay.
Gilfoyle: This is already the best job I ever had.
Dinesh: So, she's super attractive, and she's super smart, and she's way into me, like way more than a normal person should be. And sex! There's so much sex! The problem is the part after.
Gilfoyle: When you have to apologize.
Dinesh: No. When we do pillow talk.
Jared: Oh. That's the best part. Everything before that is just foreplay.
Jared: Sometimes you have to make compromises. I mean, I once slept with the head of an assisted-living facility to get my friend Muriel bumped up the wait list. Am I proud of it? No. Do I regret it? (shakes head)
S04E04 - Teambuilding Exercise (Jared Quotes)
Jared: Why is Richard in there with Brett Saxby? I mean, he was in Gavin's inner circle. Is Richard aware of that? Is anyone taking notes? Does Richard even have a pen? It's 10:00 a.m. Why are they drinking beer?
Jared: You need me... the half-crazed, half-Apache who will do anything to get your back. I'll scalp Gavin if I have to, and all the rest of those paleface sons of bitches. I'll kill them with knives. I'll kill them with guns. I'll kill them with my hands. I'll talk them into suicide. It doesn't matter.
S04E03 - Intellectual Property (Jared Quotes)
Dinesh: People don't have people killed in the Valley. Not even Gavin Belson. Okay? Right, Jared?
Jared: I... I once saw him throw a sloth down a flight of stairs after a presentation, and he said it was an accident, but he had this look in his eyes. I... I can't rule it out.
S04E02 - Terms of Service (Jared Quotes)
S04E01 - Success Failure (Jared Quotes)
Richard: These guys, they're gonna need you, so if you want to support me, you support them. Think you can do that?
Jared: I've always been very adept at taking the shape of whatever shoe is pressed down upon me so I can try to make it work.
S03E10 - The Uptick (Jared Quotes)
Jared: This is fraud.
Richard: Is it? I mean, our our platform does exactly what we say it does. Okay? It's not like we're lying about it like fucking Theranos. And if our platform works, which we know it will, we will make them billions of dollars. Everybody wins, Jared. You still believe that, right? That, if given enough time, the platform will catch on?
Jared: Richard, don't weaponize my faith in you against me.
Richard: Your faith made all this possible.
Jared: It's wrong.
Richard: Well, every time I try to do the right thing, I get fucked. And if I do the right thing here, we're done. That's it. Doesn't seem like much of an option, does it?
S03E09 - Daily Active Users (Jared Quotes)
Jared: After the Table ads, the salaries, recruiter fees... You know what? I haven't run the numbers. It would be irresponsible to estimate.
Richard: Okay, uh, is it less than a million dollars?
Jared: Oh, God, yeah.
Richard: Okay. It's higher than 500,000, right?
Jared: Yeah. I guess it's about $697,240. But don't quote me on that.
S03E08 - Bachman's Earning's Over-Ride (Jared Quotes)
Richard: Monica. It's Monica.
Jared: Let's not jump to conclusions. She's the only one who's bought a jacket.
Richard: Jared. She's the only one who hates the platform. There's no other explanation for this. Okay. Monica fucked us. She pulled down our pants and fucked us in front of our parents.
Jared: (concerned) Did some... Richard, did somebody do that to you?
Richard: Jared, are you okay?
Jared: It's just so many emotions. The board seat. I feel regret and glee that you would choose to honor me, and terror at not living up to your expectations, and compassion for Erlich's loss. Oh, Donald, you've come undone.
Gilfoyole: You still want him on the board?
S03E07 - To Build a Better Beta (Jared Quotes)
Jared: Well, people do create imaginary friends to meet their emotional needs. When I was little, I used to pretend that I shared a room with Harriet Tubman and we were always planning our big escape.
S03E06 - Bachmanity Insanity (Jared Quotes)
S03E05 - The Empty Chair (Jared Quotes)
Jared: Well, what's gone is not necessarily lost. Okay, we just need to find it. I found my retainer in the school dumpster. I found my biological father in a militia up in the Ozarks. This should be no problem. Don't worry, Dinesh, we'll find it.
Jared: This is honestly like the best birthday gift that I ever could've asked for.
Erlich: It's your birthday?
Jared: Oh, I don't know. The CPS worker couldn't find my birth certificate, but... maybe now it is.
Jared: I read that the woman who started Pegg'd built her entire app using a team of coders from India, she never met in person. And it only cost $15,000. So, yeah, so we figured why limit ourselves to a few expensive people in the Valley, when we could afford a full complement if we outsourced?
S03E04 - Maleant Data Systems Solutions (Jared Quotes)
Jared: Oh, uh, while I have you, there were fresh droppings near my cot. I think you were right. The Havahart traps don't seem to be working. I was thinking maybe we could just pick a day and just drench it in hawk urine, because the scent of a predator can keep rodents at bay. It's funny, we're named Pied Piper, but we're beset with rats. Little rascals.
S03E03 - Meinertzhagen's Haversack (Jared Quotes)
S03E02 - Two in the Box (Jared Quotes)
S03E01 - Founder Friendly (Jared Quotes)
Richard: Some of these companies are pretty good. Flutterbeam's like really good.
Jared: Of course it is. They all are. You're the belle of the ball, and these are all your swains, hoping for a glimpse of ankle.
S02E10 - Two Days of the Condor (Jared Quotes)
S02E09 - Binding Arbitration (Jared Quotes)
S02E06 - Homicide (Jared Quotes)
Jared: There was a live stream of an eagle's nest last year that went viral, and was getting millions of hits. And I don't wanna be inflammatory, but next to a condor, an eagle looks like a common cackling.
S02E05 - Server Space (Jared Quotes)
Jared: When Bill Gates got married on Lanai, he rented every helicopter on the Hawaiian islands so that paparazzi couldn't use them to fly over. Although in that case, it was a positive, because now you can imagine that wedding however you want.
S02E04 - The Lady (Jared Quotes)
Jared: I mean, we're all cool here, but we know each other. So obviously, when Dinesh calls me retarded Frankenstein, or he describes me as AIDS lady, or Gilfoyle refers to me as effeminate K.D.Lang, I know this is a joke among friends.
Dinesh: It's not a joke.
Gilfoyle: We're not friends.
S02E03 - Bad Money (Jared Quotes)
Jared: But Hooli was like an abusive spouse to me. You know, like that guy who married Julia Roberts in "Sleeping With The Enemy"? It was dehumanizing. But then, you, Richard, you pulled me out of the life and you gave me hope and you gave me a sense of self-worth. Like Richard Gere did to Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman.
Dinesh: This is weird.
Jared: Every day here has been like that shopping-spree scene. I'm putting on hats.
Jared: Richard, I'd understand if you took it, but watching you end up over there would break my heart.
Richard: What, like Julia Roberts from "My Best Friend's Wedding"?
Jared: I never saw it.
S02E02 - Runaway Devaluation (Jared Quotes)
Jared: Well, get some sleep, my bros. I'll set the meeting, and, um, then I'll go find some hoes to prioritize behind you.
Erlich: Are you trying to say "Bros before hoes"?
Jared: It's sexist, but it's about friendship.
S01E08 - Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency (Jared Quotes)
Jared: Hi! I'd like to talk to you about a company called Pied Piper. What does it do? Good question. Maybe you can help us find an answer. What if Pied Piper was an app that could attract rodents? You know, like the fairy tale? For purposes of extermination or to feed your pet snake. We're not here to tell you what to do with your rats, we're here to get your rats, STAT. Would you be very interested, somewhat interested or not interested? Which one? Which one? Which one?
Police Officer: You have any weapons or drugs on your person at this time?
Jared: Why yes. Yes I do. (Hands Adderall bottle to officer)
Police Officer: Adderall. This is a highly controlled substance. Are these yours?
Jared: No! Those belong to an underage kid that I brought to my house.
Jared: I'll admit I'm sleep challenged. I just spent 4 days trapped in a steel box out in an oil rig full of robot forklifts. But now I'm back, and I am recovering, and I am focused, and we're going to pivot. Don't lose faith guys. Look at me, look at me. We've got a great name, we've got a great team, we've got a great logo, and we've got a great name. And now we just need an idea. Let's pivot. Let's pivot.
Dinesh: That might be the last time we see him alive.
Jared: How much would it be worth to you if I told you I had a GPS app called "Pied Piper", tracking the location of your child? I can follow your child anywhere and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Most missing children are never found. Interested, very interested, or very interested?
S01E04 - Fiduciary Duties (Jared Quotes)
Richard: Fuck Erlich. I turned down 10 million dollars to build this thing. You want vision? I will show you fucking vision!
Jared: I like this new angry side of you. Being around angry people relaxes me because I know where I stand.
S01E03 - Articles of Incorporation (Jared Quotes)
Richard: We love the name Pied Piper. It's a classic fairy tale.
Jared: Well, I looked it up. It's about a predatory flautist who murders children in a cave.
Gilfoyle: It has all of that going for it, Richard, and I still hate it.
S01E02 - The Cap Table (Jared Quotes)
Jared: (bows to Erlich) Um Good morning. Whoops, that was weird. I don't know why I did that. You kind of have a like a king-ish feeling to you. You're like a Norse hero from Valhalla.
Erlich: Don't pander to me. Peter Gregory said specifically to trim the fat.
Jared: They actually tried to diagnose me with a wasting disease because of my slender frame.